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In this season’s Fantasy Premier League game, the league has adjusted the official rulebook, introducing a new bonus points system (BPS, if you want another acronym in your life). The system uses various metrics to determine each match’s top performer. In previous seasons, actual people assigned these bonus points. This change probably qualifies as an improvement. Now that statistics like “tackles made” and “passes completed” directly affect point-scoring, bloggers won’t waste quite as much time hyperventilating over, say, the travesty that was the league’s failure to award Adel Taarabt bonus points during Gameweek 37 of the 2011/12 season.

My Team

Formation: 3-4-3 

I can’t say this lineup won’t change between now and tonight, but here’s what I’m going with:

Goalkeeper (Southampton): Artur Boruc (4.5) – He’s inexpensive, and he starts football matches. That’s pretty much all I look for in a goalkeeper.

Defender (Aston Villa): Ron Vlaar (4.5) – Vlaar is arguably the scariest-looking defender in the Premier League. (And that includes you, Vincent Kompany.) He also plays for an Aston Villa team that shouldn’t have been anywhere near the relegation zone last season. I reckon Villa will finish in the top half.

Defender (Fulham): Sascha Riether (5.0) – Apparently, Riether’s already pretty popular among fantasy nerds. He’s cheap and scores plenty of points.

Defender (Norwich): Sebastian Bassong (5.0) – Decent center half, bona fide goal threat. Enough said.

Midfielder (Chelsea): Eden Hazard (9.5) – Chelsea will win the Premier League this year – mostly because Hazard, who has produced a few genuinely outstanding performance over the past nine months, will only get better.

Midfielder (Chelsea): Juan Mata (10.5) – Mata has been linked to other clubs, but Chelsea says he’s going nowhere. He’s probably the best midfielder in the Premier League.

Midfielder (Manchester City): David Silva (9.0) – Silva underperformed last season, partly because Mancini’s City team ran out of ideas, partly because international tournaments are extremely tiring. Manuel Pellegrini is a good manager; Silva will bounce back.

Midfielder (Norwich): Robert Snodgrass (6.5) – Ah, my token mid-table player, the guy who starts because I can’t afford anyone better. Not that Snodgrass isn’t a useful midfielder: he takes set pieces, scores goals and generally makes his presence felt.

Striker (Southampton): Rickie Lambert (7.5) – Picking Lambert isn’t the daring, hipster-ish move it was this time last year. These days, he’s, like, totally mainstream. No matter. He scores goals.

Striker (Everton): Arouna Kone (7.0) – To win the Fantasy Premier League – and that’s what I intend to do – you have to take big risks. Kone, who has followed Roberto Martinez from Wigan to Everton, is not a star striker. He is a good player who might excel this year. Or he might crash and burn. Fingers crossed.

Striker (Manchester United): Robin van Persie (14.0) – He’s worth the money. And he’s my captain.

Bench (the cheapest available): Steven Davis (4.0), Jack Colback (4.5), Nathan Baker (4.0), and Stanislav Manolev (4.0).

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

In August, Sunderland manager Paolo Di Canio begins his first full season at Sunderland, a club which has finished in the bottom half of the Premier League table four times in the last five years (in 2011, the club finished tenth). This consistency is pretty remarkable.

Since securing promotion in 2008, Sunderland has raised transfer-window schizophrenia to a new art. Last summer, the club signed 12 players. During the summer of 2011, it signed 13. Of the 14 players who participated in Sunderland’s first game of the 08/09 season, only Phil Bardsley remains on the team. This off-season, Sunderland have already signed ten players, including American striker Jozy Altidore – and it’s only July. Di Canio is the team’s third coach in three years.

Moreover, mediocrity is pretty hard to sustain. Only three of the ten teams that finished in the bottom half in 2009 still play Premier League football, and two of those three have finished in the top eight at least once since 2010. Sunderland is the odd club out.

Sunderland hires a new coach and buys a new XI virtually every summer – but never experiences the high highs and low lows that scattergun buying usually provides. Unlike crosstown rival Newcastle, which signs lots of players and finishes all over the place (relegated in 2009, promoted in 2010, 12th in 2011, fifth in 2012, 16th in 2013), Sunderland is profoundly reliable, arguably the Premier League’s most predictable non-powerhouse.

There’s no way Di Canio, whose rampant volatility has turned him into a cult hero, will allow this to continue. His teams don’t finish 13th; either they play well or they fail spectacularly. Either he unites the dressing room or he punches Leon Clarke.

Either the trains run on time or something blows up.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

In the 1990’s, Mark Hughes, who in May replaced Tony Pulis as Stoke City manager, wore his hair long, played for several European powerhouses, and routinely scored incredible volleys. He was a sexy center forward, the kind of player who these days appears on billboards and negotiates image rights. Presumably, Stoke hopes Hughes will recapture some of that glamor.

“The teams I have been involved in in the past have always scored goals,” Hughes explained at his first press conference, conveniently forgetting that he once managed Queens Park Rangers. “My philosophy is always to play football, good football, create chances…I’d like to make [Stoke] a little bit more offensive.” Hughes has already positioned himself as a kind of anti-Pulis, the Pep Guardiola of Stoke-on-Trent, if you will.

But here’s the thing: whatever its critics say, Stoke is already entertaining, precisely because it doesn’t play “good football.” Indeed, the team’s whole appeal rests on its rejection of everything that Barcelona has taught us to admire. Rory Delap’s (and, more recently, Ryan Shotton’s) long throws, Robert Huth’s headers, Peter Crouch’s very existence – all of this is different, refreshing. Pulis’ tactics were just as distinctive as Guardiola’s, and they’ve contributed memorable games: notwithstanding Aaron Ramsey’s injury, Stoke-Arsenal matches have consistently produced exciting football.

Pulis deserved to be sacked. Over the last few seasons, he made numerous mistakes in the transfer market. Many of those ill-fated signings – players like Tuncay Sanli and Eidur Gudjohnsen – represented clumsy attempts to “improve” Stoke’s style. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Pulis’ philosophy. Commentators tend to undervalue footballing variety, to reflexively disregard teams that don’t adhere to certain aesthetic standards. Stoke City is not a relic of a bygone era; it’s an example of the tactical diversity that makes football interesting.

Hughes insists that Stoke won’t change approach overnight, that he is “not going to chuck the baby out with the bath water.” But his long-term plan is already coming into focus.

Two weeks ago, Hughes completed Stoke’s second signing of the summer window. Marc Muniesa is a defender. He used to play for Barcelona. And today, here’s what Hughes said about his opinion about the current Stoke City squad:

“I have to say I’ve been really pleased with the technical ability of the squad as a whole and I think maybe I’ve been guilty of assuming there’s a certain type of player here.

“That’s not the case I’ve been really pleased with what I’ve found here and the level of ability that’s in the building.”

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Frank Lampard breaks Bobby Tambling’s goal record: Frank Lampard (8.4) is easy to mock. He’s English and therefore lacks the sparkle of players like Mata (10.2), Oscar (8.0) and Hazard (9.6); he’s pathologically incapable of playing alongside Steven Gerrard (9.2), though Gerrard’s tactical indiscipline hasn’t helped matters; and he once yelled at a radio host who had gotten a little too interested in Mrs. Lampard and the kids. Still, Lampard is a fantasy football legend, and he deserves respect. We all know the cliché (which sounds like the slogan from a Fox Soccer infomercial): “Lamps guarantees you 20 goals a season.” This year, in only 15 starts, he has accumulated more than 1,400 points. Lampard is Chelsea’s all-time top scorer, and his name is on the front page of the Fantasy Premier League’s midfield leaderboard.

Emmanuel Adebayor has stopped sulking and started scoring: Last week, Adebayor (9.0) scored a brilliant long-distance goal against Chelsea. Then he followed it up with a tap-in against Stoke. Next week, Spurs play Sunderland at home, which probably means Adebayor will continue his streak – unless, of course, Paolo Di Canio manages to invoke some kind of goal-blocking, Champions-League-dream-killing black magic. 

Sturridge’s hat trick: Daniel Sturridge (7.2) has benefitted enormously from Luis Suarez’s (10.6) suspension. He has also benefitted from Fulham’s ridiculous slump, which I can’t help but suspect has something to do with Dimitar Berbatov (7.1), who, as we all know, generally doesn’t run if he doesn’t have to. (I’m pretty sure “economy of motion” is the technical term.) Sturridge scored a hat trick; next week, Liverpool plays Queens Park Rangers.

Sir Alex Ferguson retires: I was going to write about how, during the 36 hours separating Wednesday morning’s announcement from Thursday’s Internet leak, my managerial dreams rekindled and the prospect of manning the Old Trafford technical area suddenly seemed a little less remote. But the fantasy football angle is way more interesting. Rooney (11.7) to Chelsea? Baines (7.8) to United? Next season, you probably should wait before splurging on United’s players; presumably, Moyes will change a few things.

One more tip for final day: Manchester City has officially sacked Roberto Mancini. Fair enough, I suppose – City has gotten progressively worse this season. Good thing Norwich City is up next. I’m expecting some sort of cathartic explosion, probably to the tune of 5-0. A year ago, Sergio Aguero (11.1) scored arguably the most important goal in Premier League history; he notches end-of-the-season, statistics-padding hat tricks in his sleep.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

United is taking things seriously: Manchester United has won the Premier League title, but Sir Alex Ferguson is still chewing gum, still yelling at officials, and still twisting his face into new and exciting expressions of disgust. United isn’t taking it easy. On Sunday, Robin van Persie (13.8) scored his sixth goal in four matches. You know what to do.

Liverpool smashes six past Newcastle: I’m a big fan of Brendan Rodgers’ new-look Liverpool attack, but I expected the team to struggle without Suarez. I was wrong. Daniel Sturridge (6.8) is on fire, Philippe Coutinho (6.7) creates goals virtually every time he touches the ball, and Jordan Henderson – yes, Jordan Henderson (4.6) – is an attacking juggernaut. Sign Coutinho. Sign Sturridge. (But Henderson’s performance was a total fluke.)

Wigan is about to go down: Roberto Martinez has orchestrated late-season, relegation-defying runs in each of Wigan’s last two campaigns. At some point, his luck will run out – the let’s-play-with-a-back-three stunt isn’t going to work twice. Arouna Kone (6.2) has scored plenty of goals this season, but he looked a little tired against Spurs. You probably thought Franco Di Santo (5.2) produced an impressive cameo performance, but there’s no way that actually happened. You should completely disregard the 28 minutes Di Santo spent on the pitch.

A big week for Chelsea: Next week, Chelsea will play Manchester United and Tottenham. Make sure to glance at the XI that starts Thursday’s Europa League semi-final – Benitez will rest either Fernando Torres (9.3) or Demba Ba (7.7). The striker who starts against Basel won’t start against United. Then again, Benitez is notoriously unpredictable. We’ll see.

The uplifting tale of Everton’s Matthew Kennedy: This season, Matthew Kennedy (4.5) has played exactly – wait for it – zero minutes of Premier League football. However, the Fantasy Premier League thinks he’s worth more than both Victor Anichebe (4.4), one of Everton’s most improved players, and Phil Neville (4.1), Everton’s captain. That’s utterly ridiculous – 0.0 percent of fantasy managers own Kennedy. He has done nothing this year. Zilch. Nada. He is a complete nobody. And yet, with so many terrible things happening around the world, it’s comforting to know that an 18-year-old winger with fewer than 15 SPL appearances under his belt and an embarrassingly short Wikipedia page has managed to make a name for himself in the fickle world of fantasy sports.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Defoe scores, Tottenham wins: Before Sunday’s match, Jermain Defoe (7.9) hadn’t scored a Premier League goal in 2013, which is pretty embarrassing — for someone whose sole function is goal-scoring, who regularly spends 90 minutes just toddling around the penalty area. But when Defoe’s in form, boy, can he finish. I’m tipping him for a late-season surge.

Sturridge is back among the goals: Daniel Sturridge (6.6) was one of this weekend’s top performers, notching a goal and an assist. Sturridge combined well with strike partner Luis Suarez (11.0), who, as you may have heard, tried to take a chunk out of Branislav Ivanovic’s (6.9) arm. That probably ends Suarez’s chances of winning the PFA Player of the Year award; John Terry (6.5) might vote for him (Premier League racists stick together!), but I get the feeling Ivanovic and Patrice Evra (7.4) have more friends than JT does. Sturridge will start Liverpool’s next few games.

The Sunderland bandwagon: Paolo Di Canio isn’t just a strict, slightly anal coach; he’s a bona fide fascist, a self-confessed Mussolini admirer. (I know that Di Canio has publicly recanted, but bear with me – this is fun.) With that in mind, it’s no surprise that Sunderland has won its last two games. Di Canio’s arrival must have scared the bejesus out of players like Stephane Sessegnon  (7.0), who for most of this season has floated through matches as if Premier League football were some annoying chore that Sunderland paid him a pittance to complete. I’ve jumped aboard the Sunderland bandwagon.

Per Mertesacker scores a goal: According to the Fantasy Premier League, Mertesacker (5.3) is the Prem’s seventh-best defender. Since August, he has accumulated 114 points, mostly because he scores headers on a fairly regular basis. I’m not going to tell you to sign Mertesacker; in my opinion, you’d be better off signing a mannequin shaped vaguely like Titus Bramble. But someone somewhere thinks Arsenal’s clumsy Mertesacker is only a little less effective than Jan Vertonghen (6.6).

Exactly 1.5 percent of fantasy managers own Steve Sidwell: I’m going to make a few assumptions. In the next 24 hours, exactly 120 people will read this column. One hundred of them will be active fantasy football managers. Of those 100, exactly 1.5 will own Steve Sidwell (4.9), a functional midfielder, one of Dimitar Berbatov’s (7.5) Fulham teammates. I want to offer my condolences to the 1.5 – you deserved better. No one saw this coming. Players who don’t play for Sunderland, don’t look like pit bulls, and aren’t named Lee Barry Cattermole never receive red cards in consecutive games.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

We’re inching closer to the end of the Premier League season with so much still to play for in the league and Fantasy Premier League. Here are my observations from my adventures from gameweek 33 of the Fantasy Premier League:

Theo Walcott returns from injury: On Saturday, Arsenal produced one of its worst performances of the season – misplaced passes, terrible defending, Thomas Vermaelen (6.7) – before a slightly bizarre refereeing decision saved the day. Theo Walcott (8.7) entered the game as a second-half substitute, and his pace unsettled the Norwich defense. That’s one thing that couldn’t be said for Gervinho’s (7.1) pace, which, as far as I could tell, unsettled only Gervinho, who was as clumsy as ever.

Darron Gibson should score more goals: Darron Gibson’s (4.7) long-range shots have a potent quality way beyond his comprehension called power. When Gibson played for Manchester United, I used to yell at the TV screen every time he received the ball, because I just knew he was going to shoot, and I hate it when players shoot from outside the penalty area – usually, there’s a better option. These days, Gibson doesn’t shoot often enough. Coming from me, that’s quite an accusation.

Reading keeps a clean sheet! This means absolutely nothing: When I say that you shouldn’t read anything into Reading’s clean sheet against Liverpool, I mean that you should watch the highlights, forget them and move on. Reading’s back four is bad on about a million levels; if goalkeeper Alex McCarthy (3.9) hadn’t played the game of his life, Adkins’ team would have been crushed.

Is Charles N’Zogbia back? Whenever I write about Charles N’Zogbia (5.8) – which isn’t often; he’s been pretty quiet lately – I like to remember the speedy winger who curled stunners home virtually every other week, and not the overconfident, overpaid excuse for a footballer who started 2011-12 on my fantasy team and finished the season with only two goals. (I also like to remember the time Joe Kinnear referred to him as Charles Insomnia.) On Saturday, N’Zogbia curled home a stunner.

Buy Gaston Ramirez – but not until next year: This season, Gaston Ramirez (5.2) has accumulated 89 fantasy points. As a biggish number floating in the middle of an English sentence, this statistic looks pretty impressive. And then you realize that Jason Puncheon – repeat: Jason Puncheon (5.2) – has earned 101, at which point the full gravity of Ramirez’s failure sinks in and you start to feel a little guilty, as if seeing Ramirez’s total were akin to seeing Ramirez naked. At Bologna, Ramirez was a genuinely brilliant player, one of the best creators in Serie A. Maybe next year.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

With just six matches to go in the 2012-13 Premier League season, it’s going to be over before you know it. But before we call the season a day, here’s a recap of my adventures in Fantasy Premier League from last weekend. 

Kevin Mirallas and the rest of Everton’s forward line: Last week, I recommended a few Belgian players. Kevin Mirallas (6.8) wasn’t one of them. However, now that Mirallas has scored his second “individual” goal in two games – proving that he’s more than just a one-slalom wonder – it would be silly to leave him out. Against Tottenham, Victor Anichebe (4.3), whom I thought Moyes would drop after Nikica Jelavic (7.8) scored against Manchester City, produced a performance replete with the refined thuggery that has made him so effective this year.

QPR has something to offer: Loic Remy (5.9) is probably too good for the Championship and will therefore leave QPR at the end of the season. For the next few weeks, however, he should continue to score Premier League goals (like the one he smashed home against Wigan), and if that means delaying Mrs. Redknapp’s long-awaited debut, too bad. Remy is French; maybe he’ll join Newcastle, the team he jilted back in January.

Cisse is back: Another late Papiss Cisse (8.8) goal, another late Newcastle win. Cisse also scored in midweek, against Benfica, whose captain, Oscar Cardozo – the guy who missed the penalty that might have knocked Spain out of the 2010 World Cup, thereby altering the course of history, and consigning Arjen Robben to yet another cup final defeat – would excel in the Premier League. Interestingly, Cisse’s hot streak has coincided with another Demba Ba (7.8) drought; Cisse and Ba are never in form at the same time, even when they’re playing for different teams.

Prepare for next weekend: A couple of FA Cup semi-finals are coming up next weekend, so consider selling or substituting players like Juan Mata (9.8), Eden Hazard (9.6), Carlos Tevez (8.7) and David Silva (9.3). And Shaun Maloney (5.0). And Franco Di Santo (5.3). Although, unless you’re one of those people who always do the opposite of what my column identifies as A Judicious Course Of Action, Di Santo is nowhere near your starting XI. Wigan, Manchester City and Chelsea are set to play midweek games, but a couple of teams – Manchester United included – have a double gameweek. Best to stock up on players like Rooney (12.0) and van Persie (13.6), if you ask me.

Chelsea’s defense, Cesar Azpilicueta: Apparently, the Chelsea players call Spanish full back Cesar Azpilicueta (5.6) “Dave,” which is a shame – I, for one, love Azpilicueta’s surname and have taken to enunciating its every syllable in public places, much to the annoyance of the people with whom I recently shared the men’s room in an upscale restaurant. On Sunday, Azpilicueta scored an own goal. Ask me if I care.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Before we dive into gameweek 32 tomorrow, here are my adventures in Fantasy Premier League, gameweek 31 from last weekend.

Ricardo Lambert (pronounced Lam-bear): My father sometimes “Europeanizes” Rickie Lambert’s (7.1) name, probably in an effort to sound funny. After all, Lambert has spent most of his career in the Football League, and there’s nothing more English than the three divisions that buttress the Premiership. But wait a second. Lambert hasn’t missed a single penalty in his entire Southampton career. He’s muscular in the way most English forwards are muscular, but he can also dribble and pass, and, on Saturday, he scored a brilliant free kick. If there’s such a thing as a stereotypical lower-league striker, Ricardo Lambert isn’t it.

Andy Carroll scores two goals: Carroll (8.2) is definitely English, and he plays like a man who has his footballing priorities straight. He’s strong in the air because that’s where good old-fashioned players send the ball whenever they stumble into a bit of space. He no longer plays for Liverpool because Brendan Rodgers’ tactical master plan doesn’t involve 60-yard punts. He has finally ditched his ridiculous ponytail. That said, Carroll’s second goal against West Brom was genuinely beautiful — the body bag and chloroform with which Kevin Nolan (6.0) disables uncooperative referees didn’t feature. Demba Ba (7.8) scored a similar goal in Monday’s FA Cup quarterfinal.

United keeps another clean sheet (but you shouldn’t sign Rio Ferdinand): Manchester United doesn’t want this season’s title race to become at all interesting, which, after last year’s final day heartbreak, is fair enough, I suppose. On Saturday, United ground out a 1-0 win at Sunderland, arguably the most boring team in the division, without ever clicking into top gear. Wayne Rooney (12.0) didn’t play, either because he injured his groin (the official line) or because he ate too many Montenegrin chips (you never know). Nemanja Vidic (6.6) and Chris Smalling (5.0) both performed well, but Vidic rarely plays consecutive matches and Smalling is just another variation on the old Wes Brown/John O’Shea theme – he starts only when other players are unavailable. Rio Ferdinand (5.8) won’t join your fantasy team unless you sell John Terry (6.5), move to Qatar, and #ff the crap out of @rioferdy5.

Wigan is doing its thing: For some reason, Wigan doesn’t win games until late in the season, at which point manager Roberto Martinez becomes The Talk Of The League, rejects a move to a better team, pledges his future to the Latics, and begins the cycle anew. Striker Arouna Kone (6.6) is having an excellent season, but Franco Di Santo (5.3) is as mediocre as ever.

Belgians in the Premier League: Everyone knows that Belgian football has produced the latest “golden generation,” though why you’d want to tar any group of players with that brush is beyond me. Eden Hazard (9.5), Romelu Lukaku (6.5) and the rest of the Belgian national team are probably better sons, friends and husbands than their English counterparts, but it’s unclear whether they’re capable of functioning as a coherent unit. Still, Jan Vertonghen (6.5) and Christian Benteke (7.2) each scored a goal this weekend, and, as far as I can tell, there’s no Belgian equivalent to the Lampard-Gerrard debate, which — well, thank God for small mercies.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Before we dive into all of the international matches tomorrow, here are my adventures in Fantasy Premier League, gameweek 30 from last weekend.

Fat but effective: Despite the post-Real Madrid transfer rumors, despite Robin van Persie’s (13.7) arrival from Arsenal, and despite Gus Johnson’s harebrained insistence that Danny Welbeck (7.8) is “really good in the air,” Wayne Rooney (12.0) is still starting games and scoring goals in the Premier League. Ultimately, that’s all that matters. Goals. Points. Numbers on screens. Graphs. Data. Microsoft Excel. Rooney is worth the money.

Play your transfer wildcard: If you’re anything like me, you haven’t played your transfer wildcard. You may well have stared at the Play Transfer Wildcard button, but you certainly haven’t worked up the courage to, you know, click on it. Well, unfortunately, we’ve reached the point where judicious wildcard saving becomes self-destructive wildcard procrastination. (Also, if you still think van Persie is going to turn things around, you’re wrong. Sell him before it’s too late.)

Philippe Coutinho: When Coutinho (6.7) played for Inter Milan (and, later, for Espanyol), I thought of him as a lightweight, fragile, wouldn’t-make-a-tackle-even-if-his-life-depended-on-it footballer whose appetite for wet matches in Stoke was probably less than insatiable. Robinho comes to mind. Coutinho, however, has adapted to the English game quickly, and he scored another goal on Saturday. He, Suarez (11.0), Sturridge (7.5) and Gerrard (9.6) form one of the most underrated attacks in the league — assuming Brendan Rodgers doesn’t make yet another transfer-window blunder, Liverpool could be back in the Champions League by the end of 2015 (which I know is a long way away, but still).

A shout-out to Asmir Begovic, who kept a clean sheet against West Brom and is likely to leave Stoke this summer: Some early planning for next year’s Fantasy Premier League: keep an eye on Asmir Begovic (5.1). In January, Stoke signed England U21 international goalkeeper (and Team Great Britain veteran) Jack Butland, so odds are Begovic will leave The Britannia at the end of the season, probably to join one of the league’s elite clubs. Chelsea? I honestly don’t know.

Nikica Jelavic has scored: Click on the little information icon next to Jelavic’s (7.8) name. Look at his gameweek 30 statistics. Minutes played: one. Goals scored: one. Yellow cards: one. That’s efficiency. Before Saturday’s game, Jelavic hadn’t scored a Premier League goal in four months, a dry streak that I’m certain had something to do with The Curse Of Glasgow Rangers, though what else the curse entails, how long it’s going to last, and which of David Moyes’ pinky fingers is possessed by the Devil I don’t pretend to know. Moyes will surely restore Jelavic to Everton’s starting lineup. Bye-bye, Victor Anichebe (4.3).

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Gabriel Agbonlahor and the sad decline of Aston Villa Football Club: There’s something awfully depressing about Aston Villa’s recent slump – something that has everything to do with Gerard Houllier, Darren Bent (7.8) and even Emile “Really big in Australia ” Heskey. A few seasons ago, Villa challenged for a Champions League place. These days, the team battles relegation, celebrates shaky wins over Reading, and fields players like Nathan Baker, who…well, need I elaborate? Gabriel Agbonlahor (6.8) – who once scored an opening-day hat trick, thereby convincing a lot of sad, middle-aged fantasy managers that It Might Be Their Year – is inconsistent, out of favor, and not quite good enough for the next level. In short, he’s a microcosm of everything Villa has become. But Gabby netted on Saturday. So sign him if you must.

Jermaine Jenas: Before Saturday’s match, Jenas (4.2) hadn’t scored a goal in a very long time. Indeed, he hadn’t done anything of note in about four seasons. But now he’s back, sort of. He’s 30 years old, he’s playing for one of the Premier League’s worst teams, and he’s going to make some changes in his life.

What happened to Grant Holt? I’ve come to the conclusion that Grant Holt’s (5.9) failure to build on his excellent first season in the Premier League – lots of goals, England talk, a cult following – has absolutely nothing to do with Steve Morison’s decision to shred paper in a lower division. (For those of you who don’t follow Morison’s career with the same fanatic devotion that fuelled my efforts to ascertain the name, history and industry standing of the paper-shredding factory for which he used to, erm, shred paper, the former Norwich number five now plays for Championship side Leeds United.) Holt just wasn’t very good to begin with. He missed that last-minute penalty not only because he’s English and therefore apt to miss penalties, but also because he’s an overrated one-season wonder whose physical fitness is not, shall we say, overwhelmingly impressive.

Lukaku: Lukaku (6.5) also missed a penalty, but I’m going to forgive him because I’ve spent more time than is wise imagining all the pain someone of his monstrous physique could cause someone of my not-so-monstrous physique. Sign Christian Benteke (7.1), too.

Luke Moore scores his second goal in two games: Speaking of inconsistent players who scored this weekend: Luke Moore (4.4)! Believe it or not, Moore is a former England Under 21 international (as is Cameron Jerome, which says it all). Moore will never be anything more than a mediocre, Championship-quality forward, but at the moment, he’s a mediocre, Championship-quality forward on a hot streak.

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I see a lot of promise in Tottenham Hotspur. I see a club inching its way to the top of the Premier League on the backs of four or five exciting young players, a club that is doing everything to prepare for the long term, short of recruiting an Abramovich-esque billionaire with a big yacht and the intestinal fortitude required for a working relationship with Daniel Levy.

I see a club that is sticking with a young, innovative manager because Harry Redknapp ran out of steam, and that is building a Modric-less team whose pacey, aggressive midfielders would probably plow right through Modric if they ever played against Real Madrid (and if Mourinho were able to pry Modric off the Real Madrid bench, which, let me tell you, when you sit in one place for a really long time, adhesion just happens). Tottenham is racing toward next season’s Champions League without bothering to look over its shoulder.

Even Emmanuel Adebayor looks happy – at least, by the low standards Adebayor set during his time at Manchester City, much of which he spent either sulking or trying to force a transfer. A new 56,000-capacity Tottenham Hotspur stadium is planned. According to people involved in the project, the new stadium will provide a “catalyst for the long-term physical regeneration of Tottenham.” I have my doubts, but new stadiums are always a lot of fun. Andre Villas-Boas has stopped squatting on the sidelines, and his annoyingly boisterous goal celebrations look positively restrained next to Steffen Freund’s ridiculous antics.

Tottenham has squad depth in virtually every area. Lewis Holtby, Gylfi Sigurdsson, Aaron Lennon, Clint Dempsey, and, of course, Gareth Bale can play in a variety of attacking positions. In defense, Jan Vertonghen, Michael Dawson, Kyle Walker, Benoit Assou Ekotto, Kyle Naughton and Steven Caulker have rotated in and out of the starting XI without a hitch. Villas-Boas is expected to sign a striker this summer (Negredo? Damiao?), but Tottenham – despite Defoe’s injuries and Adebayor’s dips in form (relatively mild symptoms of his all-encompassing meta-sulk) – is already scoring plenty of goals, thanks mostly to Bale and Dempsey.

But I can’t shake the feeling that Spurs’ place in the top four (this season and in seasons to come) isn’t nearly as secure as most pundits would have you believe. The team’s central midfield is cohesive and efficient, but in an almost delicate way. Remove one important cog, you fear, and the whole unit collapses. Villas-Boas responded to Sandro’s long-term injury by partnering Moussa Dembele and Scott Parker. That’s the sort of flexible maneuver that AVB probably wouldn’t have attempted 18 months ago. (At Chelsea, Villas Boas played 4-3-3 — there was no room for compromise.) But now that Dembele and Parker have spent so many productive minutes in each other’s company, it’s hard to imagine any other combination working. Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore are overrated puff passers at best, serious liabilities at worst.

There’s an even better reason to doubt Spurs’ progress, however. The Premier League is in flux. It’s still unclear whether Arsenal and Chelsea will qualify for the 2013-14 Champions League. Last weekend, Liverpool beat Tottenham 3-2. Everton’s in the mix – or maybe not. Where Spurs will fall when the dust clears and Whichever Manchester Team Got Lucky wins next year’s Premier League title is anyone’s guess. Right now, everything is kind of confusing. All I see at the top of the league table is a lot of gray.

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While we’re still recovering from England’s best hope of winning a Champions League trophy getting knocked out of the tournament yesterday, here are my notes and observations from gameweek 28 in the Fantasy Premier League:

Kagawa scores his first Manchester United hat trick: At the beginning of the season, Shinji Kagawa (7.9) was on a lot of Top Ten Fantasy Prospects lists, probably because of his much-publicized success in the German Bundesliga, whose fast, aggressive games prepare players well for the even faster, even more aggressive English Premier League. But until last Saturday, Kagawa had failed to justify his reputation as Japan’s fleet-footed answer to [insert name of any European attacking midfielder who’s achieved fame and fortune partly because he’s European and therefore immune to the damaging stereotypes that Asian stars like Kagawa have to overcome]. It’ll be interesting to see whether Ferguson rewards Kagawa with increased playing time. If he does, you know what to do.

Steven Pienaar is awfully good: A couple of seasons ago, fans and journalists made a lot of the fact that Pienaar (6.7) – who, at that point, felt he’d outgrown Everton, David Moyes, and sixth-place finishes – rejected Chelsea’s advances in order to join Harry Redknapp’s Tottenham Hotspur team. Supposedly, this represented a Changing Of The Guard that would Rock Football for years to come. These days, Pienaar is back at Everton, Chelsea is the European champion, and Redknapp is managing bottom-placed Queens Park Rangers. Go figure. On Saturday, Pienaar scored one of the goals of the season, cutting inside, performing a probably-unnecessary-but-nevertheless-cool step over, and smashing the ball into the top corner. Sign. Him. Up.

Luis Suarez (10.7) and Stewart Downing (5.7) and Phillippe Coutinho (6.5): Liverpool has a team of talented attackers and might be about to go on a run. You heard it here first.

Cool as a cucumber: Apparently, Mario Balotelli has commissioned a life-sized statue of himself. Dimitar Berbatov’s penalty against Sunderland (his tenth goal of the season) was so beautifully taken, so obviously Berba-esque, that a big part of me is starting to think this world would be a much, much better place if a life-sized statue of Berbatov (6.9) were standing in the center of my living room.

Utterly predictable: Gareth Bale (10.3) scored again, which would have been great if I’d remembered to make him my captain. Meanwhile, Robin van Persie’s (13.9) dry streak continued. I’m seriously considering signing Jay Bothroyd (4.7) and/or Luke Moore (4.4) – you know, just for the heck of it.

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A little late this week, but here are my notes and observations from gameweek 27 in the Fantasy Premier League:

Americans! In the Premier League! Brek Shea (5.0) made his Stoke debut in a game that I imagine most of you didn’t bother getting up for. There are, after all, more important things in life than Fulham vs. Stoke, and sleep is one of them. If you live on the West Coast and watched this game live, I admire you, but you should probably get some help. In case you didn’t watch, I can tell you that Shea was intermittently effective, pinging the occasional cross, flashing the occasional Mohawk. Matthew Etherington (5.9) and Jermain Pennant (5.0), fantasy stalwarts in the past, haven’t done a whole lot this season, so Shea might get some serious playing time.

Figueroa scores from close range (and FRANCO DI SANTO plays a clever pass): Everyone remembers Maynor Figueroa’s (4.3) 60-yard goal against Stoke. In fact, that clip is pretty much the sum total of Figueroa’s Premier League career. There’s a reason Wigan defenders don’t get much love in fantasy-football columns, so while I’m a huge fan of long-range golazos and sexy Di Santo (5.3) assists (Di Santo somehow ended up on my fantasy team and I haven’t gotten round to selling him), we should all give the Figueroa bandwagon a wide berth. For the record, there never was a Di Santo bandwagon; I bought him because, well…get back to me later.

Holy: Romelu Lukaku’s (6.5) second goal against Sunderland may well be the coolest thing I have ever seen on a football pitch. Yup, right up there with Dimitar Berbatov’s (6.8) very existence. It’s kind of appalling that Shane Long sometimes starts ahead of Lukaku.

Arsenal won a game: And Santi Cazorla (9.1) scored twice; he’s now just six points off Juan Mata’s league-leading tally. New signing Nacho (!) Monreal (5.5) set up Cazorla’s winner, but Arsene Wenger still looks like his hamster just died. Which is a shame, because for a long time Arsenal was synonymous with joy and beauty, Cesc Fabregas and pizza. I blame the raincoat.

You thought you were off the hook…: Sometimes, extremely talented footballers – and anyone who plays in the Premier League is extremely talented — do extremely stupid things. Gus Hooiveld (4.0), welcome to EPL Talk. I love this guy. Hooiveld no longer has a negative points tally, but he does have a hilarious collection of own goals. Sure, this weekend’s Moment Of Madness was unlucky, but when your name’s Gus Hooiveld, stuff happens.

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Gareth Bale is too good for the Premier League: I don’t know which is the greater tragedy: that Bale has played only one season of Champions League football, or that he’s Welsh, and therefore will never play in a World Cup or European Championship.

Michu scores twice: What’s interesting about Michu (8.4) isn’t that Swansea’s “daring” scouts knew he existed – he was, after all, La Liga’s most prolific midfielder last season – but rather that he’s made an amazingly smooth transition from tippy-tappy Spain to rough ‘n’ tumble England. Maybe that tells us something important about the whole A Wet Night In Stoke paradigm – like how it’s up there with Sian Massey Can’t Ref on the list of stupid things Andy Gray said before it turned out he was a misogynistic pig.

Marko Marin scores his first Premier League goal (hurray!): Marko Marin (6.7) wouldn’t look out of place in Middle Earth, but that’s not to say he’s an incompetent footballer – or even that he’s a run-of-the-mill, below-average footballer, some lazy nobody who makes a lot of money but can’t be bothered to play (Wayne Bridge is the archetype here). Marin is very talented – German international, speedy youngster, serial occupier of “that yard of space” – and the fact that Chelsea’s management have treated him like dirt is just another symptom of the tornado of Russian fury that is Stamford Bridge in the post-Mourinho era. Well, this is the same tornado that signed Marin from Werder Bremen back when Eden Hazard’s Twitter account was leaning toward Manchester City, so he must have known what he was in for.

Arsenal grinds out the kind of win that Arsenal never grinds out: Santi Cazorla’s (9.3) goal pushed Arsenal to a gritty 1-0 win over Sunderland, a team whose inconsistency is starting to make Martin O’Neill look like something that just walked out of Avram Grant’s crypt. That’s why I sold Steven Fletcher (7.2).

Aston Villa wins a game: The last time Villa won a Premier League home game (November), half of Paul Lambert’s lineup hadn’t even been born. I’m serious. Alan Hansen is just as asinine as all the other BBC pundits, but there is something to be said for a calm, steadying influence in the dressing room – for someone confident enough to remind Darren Bent (7.8) exactly where he ranks relative to Harry Redknapp’s missus, and yet clever enough to teach Ashley Westwood (4.9) how to defend properly. That would mean teaching him to direct the ball away from goal. Yes, Gareth Barry (5.3), you can listen, too.

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Samba’s return: Whenever I watch Christopher Samba (5.0) – which isn’t often; it’s not like I’ve been getting up early to see Anzhi Mackhachkala games – I always cast my mind back to his amazing career in the north of England. Like how, for a while, he was both Blackburn’s best defender and its best striker; how he and Sam Allardyce were just made for each other; and how his move to Russia was depressing not only because he’d been a genuinely brilliant defender in a league renowned for poor defending, but also because watching Christopher Samba sprint across the field to attack last-minute corners is a really fun way to spend Saturday mornings. Anyway, Samba’s QPR debut ended 0-0, and clean sheets are very valuable.

Welcome back, Wayne: Wayne Rooney (11.8) has scored three goals in his last two Premier League games, and Manchester United is nine points clear – home and dry, if you ask me. Meanwhile, Robin van Persie (14.1) hasn’t scored in ages. By which I mean two games.

Sturridge and Henderson and Gerrard: Steven Gerrard (9.5) read my column, sneered, and rocketed a 30-yard volley into the bottom corner, thereby silencing his critics, including me. Former Manchester City striker Daniel Sturridge (7.5) scored but didn’t celebrate, even though an uncomfortably high percentage of English stadiumgoers don’t know the meaning of the word “courtesy” – or, for that matter, of most polysyllabic words. Henderson (5.3) played well, too.

Andy Carroll maneuvered a ball from point A to point B, and point B turned out to be the back of the net, which surprised me, but good for him: During the nine weeks between West Ham’s trip to Manchester United and its 1-0 win over Swansea, Andy Carroll didn’t exist. Which isn’t to say that he wasn’t breathing or eating or enjoying all-night booze fests with Kevin Nolan (6.5), but rather that, in the world of English first division football, his existence had ceased to be relevant. Which felt kind of strange – for the last few years, Carroll’s been obnoxiously relevant, dumber and less ironically self-aware than Mario Balotelli, who, for the record, doesn’t like the way English people drive but thinks that the Premier League is the best in the world, bar none, and also that English food is rubbish, which it is. Now that Balotelli’s gone, maybe Carroll will take over as the league’s loudest unreliable goal scorer. We’ll see.

Belgian power: It’s increasingly fashionable to write long, repetitive articles about how amazing Belgian football is/is going to be, so I think I’ll join in. Marouane Fellaini (7.8) is a talented box-to-box midfielder who’s best known for his hair, which is quite something, and who recently attacked Ryan Shawcross (6.0). Christian Benteke (6.6) is a bona fide monster. Sign them both.

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Harry Redknapp signed a player: Loic Remy (6.0) has scored his first Premier League goal, and QPR is undefeated in five games, which is exciting but also kind of disorienting in the way that Redknapp teams — with their cavalier disregard for things like debt, taxes and deadline-day honesty — are always disorienting. Redknapp seems to think Bobby Zamora (6.1) still exists, but I doubt it.

Michael Owen’s return: When Michael Owen (5.0) isn’t racing/training/discussing horses, or tweeting inane tidbits (“That’s it for the snowman competition”; “Nearly gave a needless pen away then”), he’s actually, you know, playing football, a sport at which he once excelled but that lately he hasn’t really thought about – like, at all — and which, to put it bluntly, is sick and tired of him, his horses, and @themichaelowen. Owen’s goal against Swansea is utterly meaningless in the context of his dead-end career, so don’t even think about signing him.

Walcott’s new deal: Theo Walcott (9.4) makes about 100 million pounds a week, which is a lot of cash, even by Premier League standards. He’s also a striker – a real, living, breathing striker, not the imaginary striker who used to net imaginary goals in imaginary stadiums inside Walcott’s head. On Sunday, Walcott added another strike to his already impressive tally — more proof that, this season, he really does play up front.

Speaking of Englishmen who think they’re strikers: Daniel Sturridge (7.4) scored his third goal in three Liverpool games, and his spectacular dummy contributed to one of the best team moves of the weekend. Liverpool beat Norwich 5-0, and one of those goals was scored by Steven Gerrard (9.4), who used to score spectacular goals every other weekend but who hasn’t found the top corner in quite a long time. Not that anyone on Merseyside would admit that Gerrard has gotten exponentially sloppier over the last 18 months. That would be blasphemy, pure and simple.

When Nigel Adkins was sacked, I dared to dream: For a split second, the Southampton job — and all its attendant dreams, opportunities, and doorways full of light – was vacant. Then I blinked, and the Saints appointed Mauricio Pochettino, and a small but not insignificant part of my deepest, darkest, innermost soul – the part that harbors Premier League coaching ambitions – died a sad death, and the world came crashing down.

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Gameweek 22 is almost over. There’s just one match to conclude the gameweek (today’s Chelsea vs Southampton match), but here are my observations from my adventures in the Fantasy Premier League.

Clint Hill’s QPR keeps a clean sheet: Last week, I was a little hard on a certain Queens Park Rangers defender. Sorry, Clint (4.3). You’ve looked a lot better lately. And a clean sheet, too. Wow. Congratulations. And I hear Harry’s about to sign Odemwingie (6.9) and Remy. Good for QPR. Congratulations again. (DO NOT SIGN CLINT HILL.)

Jonathan Walters: On Saturday, Jon Walters (6.6) scored two own goals and missed a penalty in a performance that was so bad it was funny — until it got really bad, at which point even the Chelsea fans stopped laughing. Worse, Walters was supposed to be celebrating his 100th Stoke appearance. I’ll leave unanswered the question of whether Walters’ Stoke career is worth celebrating. I don’t want to hurt his feelings more than I already have (you know, first by mentioning the Chelsea game, then by making a slightly churlish crack about his Stoke career). I’m doing the right thing. Pat me on the back.

Different team, different bib, same bench: Daniel Sturridge (7.3) joined Liverpool because any striker whom the Chelsea manager leaves on the bench is, by definition, worse than Fernando Torres (9.7), which is embarrassing on many levels. But I’m not going to talk about Torres, since he, like Walters, is a human being, and, moreover, he’s going to have to watch Demba Ba (8.9) score a lot of goals over the next few months, which will hurt. Sturridge scored in Liverpool’s loss at Old Trafford. And get this: he used his feet.

Robin van Persie is good at football: I haven’t dedicated a full section to Robin van Persie (14.1) in a long time. That’s because writing about van Persie always feels like a study in total obviousness, kind of like writing about Leo Messi, only van Persie would never in a million billion years wear that suit. If van Persie isn’t on your team, a) what’s wrong with you? and b) sign him tomorrow.

Lukaku > Benteke (for now): After Aston Villa’s 3-1 win at Anfield, I labeled Christian Benteke “the next Drogba.” Things change. Villa conceded eight goals at Stamford Bridge, then lost 4-0 to Spurs and tried to pass it off as some sort of grand improvement, a defeat from which Positives Could Be Drawn. Forget Benteke. Sign West Brom’s Romelu Lukaku (6.4).

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Here are my adventures in the Fantasy Premier League for gameweeks 20 and 21, which includes some tips for gameweek 22.

Ba to Chelsea: Demba Ba (8.5) has signed for Chelsea, which probably means that Newcastle will finish the season in the bottom half. If I were Mike Ashley, I’d fly somewhere secluded and tropical, stay there for a long time, and order my secretary – the same secretary whom I employ in England, not one of those shoddy foreign secretaries – to do whatever it takes to stop me from calling Kevin Keegan, even if whatever it takes is tying me to a mast, Odysseus-style. And then, if I were Ashley, I’d drop Hatem Ben Arfa (7.4) from my fantasy team, because who’s Ben Arfa going to assist now — Cisse (8.8)?

Luis Suarez isn’t banned: And when Luis Suarez (10.4) isn’t banned, Luis Suarez scores goals. A lot of them. Sunderland is a terrible team (this is the part where you laugh at Manchester City), but so are a lot of the teams Suarez will attack between now and the end of the season. After all, we live in a world in which Clint Hill (4.3) and Gus Hooiveld (4.0) are top-flight center backs.

Balotelli fights! As Mario Balotelli (8.6) headlines go, this week’s offering is pretty disappointing. Players and coaches get into training-ground fistfights all the time (probably because they’re so… so passionate about the game), and as far as I can tell, Balotelli vs. Mancini was a relatively tame affair. Still, if you were considering signing Balotelli (and if you’re a rational human being, you weren’t), stop considering it. Sign Edin Dzeko (7.3) instead. Or, better yet, buy RvP (14.0). He’s the most expensive player in the fantasy game, but he’s also the most valuable, and his goal against West Ham was utterly brilliant.

Joe Cole is back: Steven Gerrard (9.4) once claimed that Joe Cole (5.6) can do tricks with a golf ball that most professional players would struggle to perform with a regulation football. In the same interview, Gerrard also claimed that Cole’s better than Lionel Messi, which probably says more about Gerrard than about Cole or Messi. Still, Cole was impressive on Saturday, and Sam Allardyce will give him plenty of match time.

Sergio Aguero’s injury: Last weekend, Sergio Aguero (11.0) tweeted, “I’ve torn a muscle… I’ve travelled to Italy where a specialist is treating me.” Which is fine, I guess, especially if you’re a Manchester United fan, or just someone who kind of hates Manchester City. I’m a Manchester United fan, but I don’t hate City – at least, not in any significant way. And I certainly don’t like seeing players injured. But as a fantasy football manager, I’m delighted that Premier League stars are finally taking injury reports into their own hands. The fantasy football injury alert system is maddeningly unreliable. Next time Michu’s (8.2) listed as doubtful, I’ll just check Twitter.

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Should they be playing football? Lots of people want the Premier League to institute a winter break. Help the English National Team, they say. Give those hardworking players some well-deserved rest, they say. Bollocks, I say. Holiday football is fun. And yes, I too hope that some day a fully fit Wayne Rooney (12.0) will lead the England squad in a drunken post-World Cup rendition of “Three Lions” – which, in this fantasy, is amusingly ironic and most definitely not a sad example of England’s capacity for self-hatred — and that when he gets to the “Thirty years of hurt” line, he’ll brandish a shiny winner’s medal. Yeah, you’re not the only one who dreams at night. It’s just, well, I like watching Boxing Day football.

Here’s a recap of gameweek 19 with some tips on who to pick for gameweek 20:

Chelsea scored eight goals: About ten minutes into Chelsea’s 8-0 win over Aston Villa, I started to think about Fernando Torres (9.7) and What Might Have Been. Torres’ monstrous, this-is-what-I-could-do-when-I-was-good header – which put Chelsea 1-0 up within two minutes of the opening whistle and crushed Aston Villa’s defensive spirit – made me want to cry, and this is coming from a Manchester United fan who actually did cry after Liverpool’s 4-1 win at Old Trafford in 2009. Torres has been so disappointing for so long that it seems crazy to expect him to improve. But that header was bloody brilliant.

Stoke’s brilliant defense: Now feels like a good time to salute Stoke City’s back four, and that’s not because I think Begovic (5.1) is about to run out of luck, or because I’m worried a 4-0 loss will make the Shawcross (6.0)-for-England bandwagon irrelevant. Just the opposite, in fact. I have complete faith in Stoke, and especially in Asmir Begovic. He’s big, Bosnian, and pretty intimidating, and if you mess with him, you’re also messing with Robert Huth (5.7), who once killed a man with his bare hands — or, at least, looks like the kind of guy who might have. Stoke’s scary.

Because we’re all feeling a little guilty about what we said last year: Let’s get this straight: Stewart Downing’s 2011/12 was embarrassingly bad. He shouldn’t have been anywhere near the England squad. He played like Theo Walcott circa 2009, except worse. This season, Brendan Rodgers has experimented with Downing’s position – probably because Rodgers wants to burnish his own reputation as this, like, mystical pseudo-Cruyff who rotates players every week since, in the end, individual players are just cogs in one big match-winning machine. (Anyone who watched Being: Liverpool knows this is total BS.) Downing (5.7) is a competent left back, and he scored a great goal against Fulham, which has a terrible away record and an increasingly disgruntled Dimitar Berbatov (7.1).

What!? Berbatov’s disgruntled?: Yup. And Fulham is getting worse every week. At the beginning of the season, Jol’s team rocked a you-think-we’re-nice-but-we-really-aren’t attacking style, which produced a lot of goals and turned the super-cool Bryan Ruiz (5.4) into a symbol of the new Fulham. Berbatov, who wouldn’t look out of place in a mob thriller, fit right in. Then everything fell apart. At the moment, the Cottagers are mid-table, which is probably where they will finish the season. Some things never change.

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In the Fantasy Premier League this weekend, it’s the first week of the Fantasy Premier League Cup where you’re randomly pitted against another opponent. Whoever has the highest score will progress to the next round of the cup competition next week. So, it’s imperative that you pick a great side this weekend to rack up the points. Here are some tips to help you (plus, be sure to visit fantasyfootballscout.co.uk for more tips).

Here are this week’s tips: 

The sad decline of Newcaste United: Last season, Newcastle was one of the Premier League’s most consistent teams. Hatem Ben Arfa (7.5), Demba Ba (8.2) and Papiss Cisse (8.8) were fantasy stars, and Alan Pardew was, well, about ten times better at coaching football teams than the Alan Pardew whom Mike Ashley hired in 2010. This year’s been a little bit tougher: First, a bizarre loss to Southampton sent Newcaste tumbling towards the bottom half, then Pardew’s canned excuses (the words “Europa” and “League” featured prominently) made everyone at the club look kind of stupid, and now, finally, the specter of Kevin Keegan is looming, which pretty much speaks for itself.

Adel Taarabt: According to myth, legend and a couple of Queens Park Rangers message boards, Neil Warnock once banned Adel Taarabt (5.6) from touching the ball inside the defensive third. Taarabt is great in front of goal, or so Warnock argued, but he’s bloody unreliable everywhere else. Indeed, since this is English football, some would go even further and replace the “but” with a “therefore.” Over the years, England’s done its best to alienate what little homegrown talent Premier League academies have produced, as well as much of the foreign talent – e.g., Taarabt – that the clubs have scouted, thereby extending the years of hurt and making the FA, Charles Reep, and the Sam Allardyces of this world look rather silly. Taarabt’s no Matt Le Tissier, but he’s worth a shot.

Christian Benteke is an absolute monster: Romelu Lukaku (6.4) was supposed to be the Belgian Didier Drogba. He played for Chelsea – indeed, he was one of the first Premier League players young enough to have supported Abramovich-era Chelsea as a boy – and seemed big, powerful and generally angry. Then last season happened, and now Lukaku plays for West Brom (on loan, but the point stands). Christian Benteke (6.1), on the other hand, is actually scoring goals in the Premier League – just like old Didier.

Another reason to believe that the world will indeed end on Friday: MICHU (7.6) DIDN’T SCORE A GOAL AGAINST SPURS, WHICH BEFORE THE SEASON STARTED WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A BIG DEAL, WHAT WITH HIS LOW PRICETAG AND ALL, BUT NOW… MY TEAM RELIES ON THIS GUY!

William Gallas and the rest of Tottenham’s back four: Spurs kept a clean sheet this weekend, so I wanted to write something nice about their defenders: Kyle Walker (6.1) has bags of potential, which is nearly always measured in bags; Jan Vertonghen (6.3) Has Adjusted To Life In English Football; Hugo Lloris (5.9) should be forgiven for nicking AMERICAN SUPERSTAR Brad Friedel’s starting spot; etc. For some reason, I was drawn to William Gallas (5.0), and particularly to his penchant for scoring strange goals, which he used to do all the time. Sadly, he’s only scored once this season, but I still have this sort of fantasy (see what I did there?) of an elated Gallas swinging his jersey in circles – like a cowboy, or, at least, like someone doing a bad imitation of a cowboy – as he celebrates a goal that probably wasn’t that important, and almost certainly wasn’t that pretty, with as much gusto as if it were the golden-goal winner in the final game of the planet’s last-ever World Cup.

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Here are my Fantasy Premier League tips and some observations from gameweek 16, to help you prepare for gameweek 17.

Torres scored: Suddenly, the world wants Fernando Torres (9.4) to succeed, which is strange. Torres isn’t exactly the world’s kindest, most beloved professional footballer (betrayed Atletico to join Liverpool, betrayed Liverpool to join Chelsea), and he plays for a team that’s universally loathed. This is the guy whose failure to score goals was arguably the funniest thing since Carlton Cole. I guess people still remember that one amazing season at Liverpool – you know, when it all clicked, when Stevie and Rafa and Xabi were amazing, when title number 19 was closer than ever, and when Manchester United won the Premier League with a game to spare.

Erm… Robert Snodgrass: Or “Snoddy,” as Leeds fans used to call him. Norwich City is beginning to pick up momentum, thanks largely to Snodgrass’ set-piece deliveries. Every bottom- half team has a “set-piece specialist” – or, at least, someone who likes to think he’s a set piece specialist, since, you know, being a specialist at anything, even a skill that’s increasingly obsolete in the Barca-obsessed world of modern football, is pretty darn cool. Snodgrass (5.8) is Norwich’s answer to David Beckham.

Southampton 1-0 (!!!!) Reading: And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and Gus Hooiveld’s team kept a clean sheet. (Admittedly, Hooiveld (4.0) was on the bench.)

Nikica Jelavic: Success in the Scottish Premier League isn’t so much an achievement as an obligation – at least for any footballer serious about, well, playing serious football. Last year, Jelavic (8.2) graduated from pre-Apocalypse Rangers and joined an Everton team that’s now pushing for a Champions League spot. Jelavic scores goals, links play, and runs around the pitch with the air of someone who knows what he’s doing. He’s Croatian, which means we’ll probably see a lot of him at the next round of international tournaments. Good for Jelavic. He seems like a nice bloke.

Surely not: Over the course of a long, intermittently fascinating career, Djibril Cisse has a) dyed his hair pool-table green; b) worn a dress – a really, really ugly dress – in public, in front of photographers; c) become the Lord Mayor of Frodsham; and d) attacked a 15 year-old boy. Still, Cisse is one of the few players capable of Saving Queens Park Rangers’ Season. And even if QPR is beyond saving, which it probably is, there might still be hope for your long-suffering fantasy football team.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

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Now that gameweek 15 is complete in Fantasy Premier League, it isn’t that much time until gameweek 18 kicks off where you’ll be going head-to-head with other players in the Fantasy Premier League. It’s time to make those transfers and to stabilize your squad, so you’re ready to rock and roll in a few weeks.

Here are this week’s tips and observations:

Amigos no more: What better way to end Chelsea’s reputation as boring, emotionless bullies than to introduce a cohort of attacking midfielders who are neither boring nor emotionless? At the beginning of the season, teams didn’t know what to make of Roberto Di Matteo’s Drogba-less forward line; it’s only now that they’re starting to catch on. Chelsea’s twinkle-toed attacking football has compromised its defensive solidity, and that tradeoff may already have cost Roman Abramovich his European crown. Rafa Benitez knows that. He’ll sort Chelsea out eventually, but the days of the “Three Amigos” – Juan Mata (9.5), Eden Hazard (9.8), and Oscar (7.8) – are well and truly over.

WBA is done: West Brom’s surge up the table always felt a little, you know, bizarre, so the Baggies’ recent losing streak has actually felt comforting. Shane Long (6.4) is just an average forward with below average teeth. Steve Clarke is still an assistant manager at heart. West Brom isn’t that good. All’s right with the world.

Is Rooney back?: The answer, I’m afraid, is a resounding no. Wayne Rooney (11.7) is not back and, on the evidence of Saturday’s performance, he won’t be any time soon. Sure, he scored two goals, but against defenders who make Southampton’s error-prone Gus Hooiveld (4.1) look like Franz Beckenbauer circa 1974. (Yeah, I just went there.) Rooney is still about five pounds overweight, and he’s not nearly as dangerous as Robin van Persie (13.7).

Jermain Defoe: Defoe (8.2) has registered nine league goals this campaign, which is quite an achievement: at the start of the season, everyone expected Emmanuel Adebayor (9.0) – part Premier League center forward, part Togolese rebel, part freelance rapper – to play as AVB’s lone striker. (Adebayor and Defoe started alongside each other against Arsenal in the North London derby – which, you may remember, didn’t end particularly well.)

Manchester City doesn’t score goals: Last year, City won the league on goal difference courtesy of a stoppage-time goal scored by one of the league’s top-scoring strikers. Mancini’s team beat Tottenham 5-1 and Manchester United 6-1. David Silva (9.4) recorded assists approximately every ten minutes. Carlos Tevez (9.4) went into exile, came back, and scored a hat trick against Norwich. The final score of that game? 6-1. This season, however, is a totally different story. United – with the help of its own former Arsenal player – leads the league in goals, despite Rooney’s poor form. City’s rotation policy pretty much ensures that Dzeko (7.4), Balotelli (8.6), Tevez and Aguero (11.0) won’t compete in the golden-boot race, which is why Dzeko, Balotelli, Tevez and Aguero are now dead to me, and why they should be dead to you, too.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Don’t forget that this afternoon (or evening, depending on what part of the world you live in) starts a new gameweek. Gameweek 14, to be exact, with all 20 Premier League teams playing over the next 48 hours.

Here are some FPL tips to help you with your decision-making:

Gameweek 13:

The funny thing about Ryan Shawcross: The recent England v. Sweden friendly was all about Zlatan Ibrahimovich: his goals, his skill, his aura of unrelenting f**kyouness. Most fans forgot about England debutant Ryan Shawcross (5.2), and rightly so. Shawcross was awful — awful in ways I am still coming to terms with — and I hope as fervently as any England fan is capable of hoping that he never plays for the Three Lions again. But my fantasy team? Now that’s another matter entirely. Shawcross has accumulated 17 points in his last three games and is a cheap, solid fantasy option.

Van Persie’s drought: A prolific striker only has to go one or two games without scoring before his lack of goals becomes A Major Premier League Talking Point, and only another three or four matches before the talking point becomes a drought. And once a striker of Robin van Persie’ (13.7)’s caliber enters a drought…well, just look at Fernando Torres (9.5).

West Brom’s attack: By my count, three different strikers scored for West Brom on Saturday afternoon. Two years ago, West Brom was a yo-yo club for whom heartbreaking final day relegations were such regular occurrences that they had actually ceased to be heartbreaking. Back then, a four-goal away haul would have been cause for celebration. Not any more. Not under Steve “He’s Finally Got His Own Pulpit” Clarke. This is what the new, streamlined WBA does: it wins. Shane Long (6.2) and company won’t qualify for the Champions League, but wouldn’t it be just so…so perfect if they did.

A new manager for Queens Park Rangers: QPR looked good. Not great, but good – good enough to stay in the Premier League. But don’t get too excited. I think it’s safe to assume that most of you aren’t exactly salivating over Jamie Mackie’s (5.1) low price tag, but I still think it’s important to get this out there: Harry Redknapp isn’t a magician, and Adel Taarabt (5.5) is more trouble than he’s worth. QPR is still one of the worst teams in the league. Don’t sign Stephane M’bia (4.9).

Ignore established goalkeepers: This wasn’t a great weekend for Premier League goalkeepers. Ali Al Hasbi (5.0) is occasionally brilliant, but more often than not he’s a total disaster. Simon Mignolet (5.0), on the other hand, is generally reliable – he’s the reason Sunderland released Craig Gordon, whose save against Bolton was voted the best in Premier League history during last year’s 20^th anniversary celebrations. But let’s put Saturday’s mistakes aside for a moment. The top three goalkeepers in the Fantasy Premier all play for “lesser clubs.” John Ruddy (4.7), Asmir Begovic (5.1) and Jussi Jaaskelainen (5.2) are outperforming Petr Cech (6.6) and Joe Hart (6.9). Ruddy has already picked up 59 points this season, which is more than David De Gea (5.6) and Anders Lindegaard (5.4) combined.

Gameweek 12:

Silva’s return: David Silva (9.3) is a member of what is, quite possibly, the Greatest Generation of Creative Footballers Ever. We expect a lot of him, and between August and January of last year, he lived up to those expectations. But success spawns elevated expectations, and elevated expectations spawn more pressure, and more pressure can be extremely debilitating, so it’s no surprise that, until Saturday, Silva had failed to recapture his 2011 form. He’s back in the groove now, however — even if it was only Aston Villa.

Pilks: Norwich City’s 1-0 win over Manchester United was about as comprehensive a 1-0, still-hanging-on-in-stoppage-time win as you’re likely to see. Chicharito Hernandez (7.7) and Robin van Persie (13.7) failed to build on their recent form, and Anthony Pilkington  (5.7) – who, for the record, has been really good for a really long time – scored a brilliant header. Wayne Rooney (11.8) has tonsillitis, which is kind of funny.

Walcott wants to play through the middle: Arsenal is arguably the most dysfunctional club in the Premier League and, as such, it boasts its fair share of contract rebels, disgruntled attackers and American owners. Enter Theo Walcott (8.7), who’s a contract rebel because Arsene Wenger insists on keeping him a disgruntled winger, rather than letting him morph into a contented center forward, and also because Arsenal is committed to an antiquated wage structure that a) militates against genuinely ambitious transfer expenditure; b) ensures that players like Walcott make a whole let less than they might at, say, Liverpool or Manchester United or Chelsea or Tottentham; and c) is inherently American. It’s about time Stan Kroenke loosened the old purse strings. For his part, Arsene Wenger needs to play his team’s top scorer up front.

Michu’s back: The Fantasy Premier League seems to think that Michu (7.2) is a midfielder, which is OK by me. As you all know, Michu is not a midfielder (yes, he played in attacking midfield this weekend, but, generally, he doesn’t); he is in fact a center forward (even if he doesn’t want to be), and he’s scored six goals in nine games this season, including Swansea’s opener in Saturday’s 2-1 win over Newcastle. (That game was also notable for the absence of Papiss Demba Cisse (8.8), who didn’t play for Senegal in midweek and has since suffered the consequences – rightly, in my opinion, but that’s an argument for another day.) If you haven’t already taken advantage of Michu’s erroneous categorization, then you should – before the Fantasy Premier League corrects its mistake. 

Luis Suarez is more than a racist: Luis Suarez (10.2) didn’t score 81 goals in 110 Ajax games by accident. (Cracks about the Eredivisie are not welcome at this moment.) Some pundits thought that Suarez had bitten off more than he could chew (deliberate reference to Suarez’s, erm, checkered past) by taking over Fernando Torres (9.6)’s role as the Christ figure destined to lead Liverpool to Premier League success – or, indeed, any success, because any success would be nice in these difficult post-Benitez times. Those pundits have been silent for a while now. Suarez is a genuinely brilliant player and, more important, he’s a goal-scorer.

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Proper center forwards: Once upon a time, strikers scored goals. Real goals. Not the “precise” finishes that plague modern football, but good, honest, in-off-your-back-or-maybe-even-a-little-bit-lower-than-your-back net-busters. That’s the way football should be played. (I’m joking.) That’s the way Edin Dzeko (7.5) and Chicharito Hernandez (7.5) play it. (I’m still joking. Dzeko’s one of those good-touch-for-a-big-man center forwards whose apparent physicality disguises his deep aversion to things like sweat, mud and English weather, and Hernandez is named after a vegetable.)

Embarrassment: I compete against a few friends and family members in a fantasy football mini-league. It’s all good fun, really. Never any hard feelings. I mean, it’s not like any of us could ever, like, care about something as trivial as fantasy football. It’s just a sport, after all. In fact, it’s not even a sport in any real sense – it’s more of a game that feeds off a sport, and the original sport doesn’t rank too highly in the grand scheme of things, either. Right? Anyway, this weekend, a nine-year-old overtook me. In the past, this nine-year-old (who was previously an eight-year-old, and before that a seven-year-old, and so on) always finished bottom of our mini-league on because he made about 20 transfers every week and just didn’t seem to get the whole transfer penalty rule. Well, needless to say, he gets it now, and he somehow also knew to make Dimitar Berbatov (7.2) his captain ahead of last week’s matches.

Speaking of Dimitar Berbatov: A few weeks ago, I told you to sign Dimitar Berbatov for his total aesthetic amazingness. I told you to forget about statistics because no number could ever do Dimi justice. Well, forget about all that. Turn to the cold, hard facts. Berbatov has notched three goals in his last three games. He takes penalties for a team that wins them regularly. And he’s Fulham’s top goal-scorer, which I know doesn’t sound particularly fantastic, but Fulham is actually a serious attacking team this season.

The chicken dance: Kevin Nolan (6.7) is a pretty cool dude (chicken dance, roller-coaster friendship with Andy Carroll (8.3), etc.). At least, as much as anyone who has spent his career working for a guy like Sam Allardyce – the type of manager that football’s version of natural selection was supposed to have pretty much eliminated about 1,500 years ago – can be said to be cool. Nolan scores a lot, which, from a fantasy perspective, compensates for his (very) poor taste in mentors.

Giroud: The theme this week, if you haven’t noticed already, is Strikers and Humiliation (in my book, Nolan’s a striker). So it makes sense to end with Olivier Giroud (8.4), a forward whose “fans” subjected him to total you-suck-man-and-we-all-know-it humiliation early in the season, but who has started scoring goals at an impressive rate and might even be better than Maraouane “Hasn’t he left yet?” Chamakh.

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Wigan messes everything up: One of the beautiful things about football is its capacity to surprise. Giant-killers make the FA Cup – England’s oldest football competition, now sponsored by an American beer company – so much more than just a multiple-round, single-elimination challenge tournament. The underdog is always the best story, and an underdog’s victory is usually a victory for humanity. But when Gareth Bale (9.8) is your captain, and Gareth Bale is playing against Wigan at White Hart Lane, and Gareth Bale is expected to score goals (plural) against Wigan at White Hart Lane, then, well, you’d like the underdog to just lie down and embrace total destruction, because when Gareth Bale is your captain and the underdog isn’t destroyed – indeed, when the underdog does the destroying – it’s not a victory for humanity; it’s a disaster for your fantasy team.

Is it time to give up on Torres?: I want to keep Torres (9.8) around – just for old times’ sake. All those goals; the telepathic understanding with Steven Gerrard (9.4), whose inability to hold a position usually makes telepathic understandings impossible, since you can’t know where someone’s going to be when that someone doesn’t know either; the flowing locks; Nemanja Vidic; the Benitez years; the 4-1 at Old Trafford; Nemanja Vidic; the undying love for Atletico Madrid; Nemanja Vidic… I miss the old Fernando.

RvP is worth the money: Robin van Persie (13.5) is the most expensive player in the fantasy game. He’s the equivalent of 3.07 Sammy Ameobis (4.4). He’s the Premier League’s sharpest, most talented star. He’s already scored eight goals and notched a handful of assists. Most tellingly, Manchester United is top of the Prem, and that’s despite Wayne Rooney’s (11.8) form.

Which winger is best?: Manchester United has always produced brilliant wingers: Giggs, Ronaldo, Kanchelskis — the list goes on (but it doesn’t include David Beckham). For the first time this season, all of United’s wide men are fit and hungry to perform, with the exception of Nani (8.3), who by all accounts has one foot in St. Petersburg. Against Arsenal, Ashley Young (8.2) was particularly impressive. Then again, it was only Arsenal. A week and a half ago, Young made his return from injury in a match whose overwhelming controversy has totally, well, overwhelmed Ashley Young’s Return From Injury, which is a shame, because he’s inching closer to top form.

Something’s happening in Norwich: Norwich City is unbeaten in four games, and that’s fairly miraculous. Virtually every City player has the same name – R. Bennett (3.9) and E. Bennett (4.8) and L. Barnett (3.9); J. Ruddy (4.5) and D. Rudd (4.0) – which must make on-field communication a bit of a hassle. (Admittedly, Rudd and Ruddy are both goalkeepers, Ryan Bennett barely plays, and teammates generally use each other’s first names, but still.) On Saturday, Norwich benefited from what I like to call The Magic Leeds Connection – Snodgrass (5.8) to Johnson (4.7) to goal. Jonny Howson (4.7) watched politely from the bench. Chris Hughton punched the air. Tony Pulis complained about diving. All is right with the world.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

The worst ninety minutes of the season: Unless you’re one of the .4 percent of fantasy managers who own Michael Turner (4.2), Saturday morning was kind of a drag. The Norwich City-Aston Villa game featured the worst two halves of football we’ve seen all season. Last year, Aston Villa were the least watchable team in the Premier League; to all appearances, Paul Lambert hasn’t made much of a difference.

AVB: Tottenham are back in the Champions League places, which is terrific for Andre Villas-Boas but a bit humiliating for Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. Gareth Bale (9.6) and Clint Dempsey (9.2), fantasy must-haves of the not-so-distant past, both scored. Dempsey’s hilarious Texas accent is as good a reason as any for adding him to your team, and given that Sunday’s star performer, Mark Clattenburg, isn’t available in the Fantasy Premier League – rule change, anyone? – Bale’s not a bad bet either.

The Diver: Hurricane Sandy is ripping its way through the United States, knocking down trees, flooding basements, the works. Luis Suarez (9.7) isn’t a hurricane, but the Everton defense suffered just as much from his onslaught as the storm-hit East Coast has from Sandy. You may not like Suarez – indeed, you probably shouldn’t like him – but, well, points are points.

Controversy: The world of fantasy football is bereft of controversy. For example: I own Fernando Torres (10.0). On Sunday evening, Mark Clattenburg issued Torres a second yellow card for diving, which would have been all well and good – cheating is a scourge of our game, a foreign abomination, etc. – only Torres didn’t dive, didn’t come remotely close to diving, and his early dismissal meant not only that he lost the ability to earn goal scoring points, but also that he would suffer a point penalty, possibly jeopardizing my first-place position in a two-team league that means a lot more to me than it should, what with little kids dying in Africa and a presidential election coming up. I should be furious about this. I should post rude messages online (“Mark Clattenburg – Man United’s Newest Signing” already has his own Facebook page, as well as over 150 likes), or at the very least Photoshop Clattenburg into a Manchester United kit. But I won’t, because the fierce tribal loyalties that drive real football have no place in the fantasy game. I suppose that’s a good thing.

Boring, Boring City: Manchester City are getting progressively duller. Silva’s (9.4) not nearly as dangerous as he was a year ago, Aguero (11.1) looks only half-interested, and Hart (6.9) just yells a lot. On Saturday, Carlos Tevez (9.4) scored a brilliant goal. Sigh him, if you haven’t already, but sell his overpriced teammates.

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The EPL Talk private league in the Fantasy Premier League currently sits in fourth place for the best league in the world. Our points average could be improved, so be sure to keep on playing every week and pay attention to the tips here and on Fantasy Football Scout.

Unusual scorers: If the sentence “Emmerson Boyce (5.0) scores goal of the century” sounds a little strange to you, that’s because it is. Indeed, “Emmerson Boyce scores goal” turns heads on its own. Even if Wigan sign Zlatan Ibrahimovich during the January transfer window – I’m serious. Is the sentence “Arab oil tycoon buys middle-of-the-road Premier League struggler” really that outlandish? – Boyce’s goal, a back-heel-pirouette-volley-bicycle-scissors-kick, won’t be topped. What does this have to do with fantasy football? Nothing, but in the unlikely event that Zlatan does sign he’s bound to be criminally overpriced.

Rio, etc.: Rio Ferdinand (5.9) isn’t particularly interested in kicking racism out of football, or so it seems, but it would be nice – I mean, really nice – if he and a few of his Manchester United pals would learn to kick that other thing – oh yeah, the ball! – away from goal. United still can’t defend.

Juan: Just the other day, I learned that the Spanish verb “matar” means “to kill,” which immediately made me think of Juan Mata (9.0), whose name I now know to mean “Juan Kills.” That’s creepily appropriate: at the moment, Juan does kill. Last week, it was Norwich City; this week, Tottenham Hotspur. Both teams suffered deaths by goals and assists, two weapons that feature prominently on the list of Things That Are Useful In Your Ultimately Futile Quest For Fantasy Glory.

Bobby Moore meets Sideshow Bob: David Pleat is not one of the game’s great thinkers — on Sunday, he called Martin O’Neill-era Leicester City’s penchant for late goals “incredulous.” But while commentating on Newcastle’s 1-1 derby draw with Sunderland, Pleat – for, perhaps, the first time in his life – made an astute point: in his early days, Fabricio Coloccini (5.0) was “a wild Indian,” but now he’s pretty darn good. Leaving aside the political incorrectness of the “wild Indian” bit, a line that, surely, would get big(ot) Ron Atkinson fired in an instant, Pleat’s comment is moderately relevant. Coloccini is one of the most reliable defenders in the Premier League. You could do a lot worse than sign him right now.

People who know what they’re doing: Last week, in an effort to figure out how the real fantasy gurus operate, I did a little sneaking. (This kind of thing never works. They always seem to have the same players as you do.) And where did I end up? At the brilliantly named “SON OF A PITCH,” the fantasy behemoth that Adam Todd has propelled to a ridiculously impressive 586 points. I’d like to think that Adam is an EPL Talk reader – indeed, that he’s reading this column right now – and that without my insight he’d be languishing somewhere in the 10,000s and most definitely not leading the entire Fantasy Premier League. Alas, given my current ranking (best to leave it unsaid, I think), that’s very, very wishful thinking.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

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Now that we’re in the international break, it’s a perfect opportunity to review your Fantasy Premier League team and to think ahead about some of the changes you may want to make.

The beauty of Leighton Baines (7.4): A Bob Dylan fan who spends vacations wandering around Greenwich Village. A defender who keeps clean sheets, takes penalties, and scores free kicks. You can’t go wrong with this guy.

Chelsea’s triple threat: Roberto Di Matteo has built one of the most dangerous attacks in the Premier League, and you should really take advantage of it. Eden Hazard (10.3), Juan Mata (8.9), and Oscar (7.8) will earn plenty of points this season, especially with seasoned fighters like Frank Lampard (8.7) and John Obi Mikel (4.5) supporting them from deeper in midfield. And no, signing Obi Mikel (or Mikel Obi – anyone claiming to know the correct order is definitely lying) would not represent a good bit of business. He’s played regularly for five years but still hasn’t scored a single goal. You couldn’t make a bigger fantasy blunder if you tried.

Stay away from the Southampton back four: Jose Fonte (4.0) is probably a nice guy. I bet he’s caring and generous and a great ambassador for Southampton Football Club. His two-goal performance against Fulham was, I’m sure, the result of years of hard work. It’s just that, well, he commands a back four that, for lack of a better expression, has stunk it up this season. Jos Hooiveld (4.4), I’m looking at you. Southampton are marvelously entertaining, but their defenders shouldn’t be trusted.

Olivier Giroud?: He had “the next Chamakh” written all over him. He was clumsy and inefficient. He couldn’t score in a brothel. And now he’s on fire. Perhaps we wrote off Giroud’s Arsenal career too soon – sure, he played badly against Sunderland and Stoke, but last season wasn’t an accident. It’s important to remember that Giroud (8.4) didn’t score his Ligue 1 goals for a traditional powerhouse like Bordeaux (Chamakh’s old team) or Marseille; he scored them for Montpellier, who, this year, are fighting relegation. Against West Ham, Giroud finally played like the established center forward Arsene Wenger was supposed to have bought.

Time for change: Some things I’ll just never understand. Reality TV, The Bermuda Triangle, Carlton Cole (5.1).  Oh, and one other: why, with so much statistical information available to the living-room football fan, the Fantasy Premier League doesn’t award points for anything more complex than goals and clean sheets. How about pass completion points to boost undervalued players like Joe Allen (5.1)? Or some kind of tackling bonus for the Cheik Tiotes (4.8) of this world? A statistical upgrade would not only make for a more nuanced fantasy experience (something on a par with our fantasy cousins in the United States, perhaps), but it might also – gasp! – force fans to think seriously about how real football teams operate.

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Geordie strikers: The Demba Ba (8.1)-Papiss Cisse (9.1) dynamic used to be something to casually speculate about. Two Senegalese guys – apparently friends off the field – engage in a cutthroat battle for goal-scoring supremacy, with the loser consigned to a spot on the bench. You know: kind of funny, but certainly not significant. Nowadays, we’re 100 percent sure that these two players are fundamentally incapable of playing nicely together. They’re not rivals; they’re enemies. Whose side are you on?

The Newcastle Disease: In the second half of their match against Spurs, Manchester United played about as well as it is possible to play without winning. Scholes (5.3), Rooney (11.7), van Persie (13.5) and Kagawa (8.5) combined to create a series of gilt-edged opportunities, most of which were squandered, and, had the referee added a little more injury time – for the record, Sir Alex thinks the ref should have added a lot more – or had van Persie remembered how to smash balls into far corners, then perhaps United would’ve escaped with a win.

United seem to have caught the “Newcastle disease” – or, in a pretentious, I-know-more-about European-football-than-you voice, the “Zdenek Zemen disease.” In other words, Sir Alex’s men will score a lot of goals this season because they’ll have to score a lot of goals this season to make up for all the goals they’ll concede.

Mata’s on fire: Chelsea are beginning to click into gear, which is bad news for the rest of the league. Eden Hazard’s (10.3) early season magic seems to have worn off (sadly, I signed him about two weeks too late), but Juan Mata (8.8), who started the year slowly, is increasingly influential (guess who I sold to finance the Hazard transfer?). Mata set up Ashley Cole’s (6.6) 87^th-minute winner last weekend before scoring a goal of his own against Arsenal on Saturday.

Gervinho?: I will never sign Gervinho (8.8). Something about him, something about his massive forehead, makes me laugh. I like to think that the problem goes beyond physical appearance – after all, weird-looking footballers should be perfectly capable of winning fantasy points – that I mistrust Gervinho because he is an inconsistent crosser or a spotty goal-scorer, but none of that is true. He’s got a big forehead, and, really, that’s all that matters.

Crouchie: Good old Peter Crouch (6.6). When asked what he would be if he weren’t a professional footballer, Crouch replied “a virgin.” Then he underlined the fact that he does indeed play football for a living by cheating on his supermodel fiancée with a renowned Algerian call girl. On Saturday, Crouch scored twice, sending Swansea City to a third consecutive defeat. He’s fairly inexpensive, and – or so the song goes – his feet stick out the bed.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

Heading into Gameweek 6, there’s plenty of things we can learn from Gameweek 5 that can help us in our Fantasy Premier League football:

Ricky Lambert equals goals: Last year it was Grant Holt (6.1) — you know, the former tire-fitter. The year before it was DJ Campbell (4.4). Now it’s Ricky Lambert (6.1). Every season (or so it seems: football fans are awfully good at turning a couple of years’ worth of coincidences into a trends) a striker comes up from the Championship – where, if the story is any good, he’s languished for his entire career – and “proves himself” at the top level. Lambert has won the Golden Boot in every English professional league he’s ever played in. And, five games into his first season in the Premier League, he’s on course to complete the set.

Delicious Toffees: My column last week officially ended Swansea’s early-season surge, so their anemic performance against Everton shouldn’t have surprised any of you. What struck me most about the Swans’ 3-0 loss – the same thing, I think, that struck most people – was the sheer beauty of Everton’s attacking play. Marouane Fellani (7.1) scored again (he’s fast becoming a fantasy asset), Victor Anichebe (5.3) somehow contrived to engineer the ball into the back of the net for a second consecutive week (this, readers, is almost certainly a sign of the Apocalypse) and Leighton Baines (7.2) pooped on the Alexander Buttner (5.5) party.

Jermain Defoe: Harry Redknapp dropped him, Emmanuel Adebayor (9.2) outshone him, and the European Championships weren’t particularly kind to him, but Jermain Defoe (7.7) kept plugging away. He’s started this season very well, registering three goals in five games. He’s always been a lethal finisher, but now, finally, he’s found a manager who trusts him.

“Steve Gerrard, Gerrard”: There was a time, before Barcelona’s ascent to the top of everything, when Steven Gerrard (9.4) and Frank Lampard (8.9) were supposed to be the two best central midfielders in the world. (Whether they actually were, of course, is another matter entirely.) Back then, Lampard guaranteed you 20 goals a seasons and Stevie G guaranteed you enough chest-pounding spirit to compensate for the fact that he never scored as many goals as Lampard. Anyway, they were both fantasy gems. Managers went out of their way to accommodate The Two Hearts And Souls Of Their Respective Clubs.

I bring this up today because, over the weekend, Steven Gerrard scored a pretty fantastic goal – a goal made all the more fantastic by the fact that Gerrard doesn’t score fantastic goals nearly as often as he used to. He and Lampard are still decent players, but neither is worth the money.

Nolan loves Big Sam: As much as I hate what Sam Allardyce has done to football (i.e, turned Pele’s beautiful game into a sort of freestyle combat), I can’t help but love Kevin Nolan (6.2). Maybe it’s the Chicken Dance celebration (which, by the way, is the sort of quirk that fantasy football should reward), or the way he took Andy Carroll (8.3) under his wing two seasons ago, or his decision to leave a club on the rise (Newcastle) for a club on the slide (West Ham) just to reunite with a manager who, well, makes Charles Reep look like the English Johan Cruyff. Whatever. He’s here in the Premier League, and he’s scoring goals. Three of them, so far, including a 90^th-minute equalizer against Sunderland last Saturday.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1. The guy with the funny name: If you’re a Manchester United fan and you mistrusted Alexander Buttner (5.5) (i.e., you thought he was rubbish), then shame on you. United’s Dutch pocket rocket is already my all-time favorite left back, and I’ve only seen him play once. He looks a bit like one of those leather-jacketed Italian hooligans who, every time their team scores, try to climb over the mesh barrier separating players from leather-jacketed Italian hooligans. He exudes a weirdly seductive anger – the tattoos help. And he scores goals. The next Leighton Baines (7.1), anyone?

2. Dimi: Some would call this “Berbatov’s Renaissance.” I wouldn’t; I’d simply call it “The Renaissance,” because that’s how I feel about Dimitar Berbatov (7.0). Berba (or Berbo, or Dimi, or Tov-Tov) is the Roger Federer of professional football, only without the fawning pundits. He’s 6-2, languid (some critics would say “lackadaisical,” or even “lazy”) and arguably the most gifted footballer in the Premier League – not the best, but the most gifted. On Saturday, he scored two goals, both of which reeked of an essential Berbatov-ness, a combination of the accuracy and power that you know takes years of practice and the subtle grace that makes the whole thing look effortless anyway. You can’t quantify Dimitar Berbatov. And while fantasy football isn’t a game for sentimentalists, he’s one big reason why you should, just this once, be entirely, unashamedly sentimental.

3. Arsenal romp: Perhaps that was a little too wishy-washy for you. Perhaps you prefer cold, hard fact. Perhaps you’re the guy who calculates the length of Cristiano Ronaldo’s eyelashes simply for the joy of calculating something that no one else has ever calculated before — or perhaps because you just kind of like eyelashes. Anyway, the coldest, hardest, most statistically impressive team this weekend was Arsenal, who romped to a 6-1 win over Southampton (winless in four). Even Gervinho (7.3) scored, for crying out loud. Arsenal seem to have returned to what I used to call the “Fabregas Zone,” a semi-mythical level of play that is simultaneously impossibly brilliant and dangerously inconsistent. Helped by fantasy gems like Lukas Podolski (8.5) and Santi Cazorla (9.2), Arsenal will score a lot of goals this seasons. But, inevitably, they’ll implode.

4. Forget about the Swans: The Swansea Surge is starting to wane. You can’t lose at Aston Villa and expect to be, you know, respected. That’s not a cheap shot at Paul Lambert – one of the best young managers in the Premier League – but a fact of footballing life. Michu (7.2)? Only plays well when it’s sunny. Danny Graham (6.0)? A second-division player. If you’re still on the Swansea bandwagon (I was, until five minutes ago, when I realized that what had been a solid, commodious bandwagon was slowly dissolving into nothing right under my feet) get off it. Fast. (And, no, I am most certainly not exaggerating for comedic effect.)

5. Mancini complains, Tevez continues to contribute: If Peter Crouch (6.5) were a basketball player – and, let’s face it, he’s got the height – I wonder if he’d be any good? Probably not. One man who hasn’t taken up a new sport – though I hear that golf is one of his favorite pastimes – is Carlos Tevez (9.4), who notched an assist against Stoke and is turning into one of the best strikers in the league.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1. The game never stops: No one likes FIFA weekends – or, for that matter, FIFA Friday to Tuesday cycles. The matches are boring (England 5, Whipping Boy 0; Spain 5, Money-Spinning Friendly Opponent 0), news is slow and, this weekend, half the tennis was rained out. Worst of all, there are no point-scoring opportunities.

There is, however, some time to think…

2. Big Z: Bobby Zamora’s Premier League career has alternated between the hilariously inept and the surprisingly brilliant. These days, no one thinks Zamora (6.4) has any chance of getting into the England squad — the fact that he once did have a chance tells us more about England than about Zamora) — but, nevertheless, he’s an interesting fantasy option. Two goals in three games is a very impressive return, especially considering the quality of his teammates.

3. Cazorla-mania: Last Sunday, Santi Cazorla (9.0) scored his first Premier League goal with the help of a Pepe Reina (6.0) error and a smart Lukas Podolski (8.4) assist. It wasn’t pretty, but, well, neither is his face – Cazorla looks a bit like rat whose last piece of cheese didn’t quite agree with him. Really, though, that’s not important. Not at all. I mean, physical beauty, or lack thereof, shouldn’t have any bearing on your transfer decisions. Cazorla, a Spanish midfielder straight out of the Andres Iniesta textbook, will rack up lots of points this season. That’s what matters, right?

4. Sad footballers: Sometimes even the mega-rich feel a little blue. Just ask Cristiano Ronaldo, who recently announced on international television that, for an unspecified reason, “I’m sad.” Mind you, he still scored two goals against Granada and one against Lichtenstein. He’s still the best player in the world who isn’t named Lionel Messi.

It’s worth remembering, however, that sadness is contagious. After Ronaldo’s bombshell, Cesc Fabregas mumbled something to Radio Marca about an “unhappy face.” Before long, someone else – probably someone with no right to complain about anything – will spend his own 20 dramatic minutes crying in an empty dressing room. And if that someone is on your fantasy team, watch out. Not everyone handles general melancholy as impressively as Cristiano Ronaldo does.

5. Definitely not The Stadium of Sh*te: You’re not going to believe this, but Sunderland are — wait for it — kind of exciting. Memories of Steve Bruce – and, let me tell you, we’re talking painful memories here – are fading fast. James McClean (6.4) has joined the ranks of obnoxious Twitterers, but Martin O’Neill’s got Adam Johnson (7.0) up his sleeve. Steven Fletcher (7.0), bought for a ridiculous 12 million pounds, is scoring goals. Last weekend, the Black Cats nearly stole an unlikely victory at the Liberty Stadium. Michael Laudrup suddenly seems a little less handsome. Sunderland are fantasy gold.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

1. Leeds in Norwich: Leeds United haven’t been relevant to fantasy football for a long time. Indeed, since their relegation in 2003, United haven’t even been relevant to real football. Leeds used to be really good, but now they’re managed by Neil Warnock, who divides his time between Elland Road and Gringotts Wizarding Bank. I often watch Premier League games in the company of a Leeds fan. And during Saturday’s Tottenham-Norwich match, my viewing-partner became very excited. With Bradley Johnson (4.9), Jonny Howson (5.0) and Robert Snodgrass (5.9) (three former Leeds players) all in Hughton’s starting lineup, he could suddenly watch Leeds play top-flight football – sort of. Snodgrass’ impressive volley made things even more thrilling, and had Johnson’s late pile driver beaten Brad Friedel (5.5)… But Johnson didn’t score, which is one of a couple of reasons why you shouldn’t sign him. However, Howson, a brilliant set-piece taker, and Snodgrass, whom I could see netting ten this season, are both gambles worth taking.

2. His feet stick out the bed: Peter Crouch (6.5) once played in a Champions League final, which is as damning an indictment of the Champions League as any complaint about unfair distribution of prize money or boring group-stage games. Make no mistake, Crouchie is a good lad – and I cheered wildly when he scored that header against Trinidad and Tobago in 2006 – but, to quote a commenter on a piece I wrote earlier this year, “If anyone ever mentions the phrase ‘good touch for a big man’ in connection with an also-ran like Peter Crouch, write Ibrahimovich’s name on a wooden plank and nail it to their forehead.” Not everyone who plays football has to be as good as Zlatan, though. Which is why I’m happy to say that Crouch is doing just fine at Stoke. In a city where fans love big men, whether or not they happen to have good feet, he’s found a comfortable place: the only player challenging for his spot in the team is Cameron Jerome (5.4), arguably the worst footballer ever. And with Liverpool reject and celebrity corner-taker Charlie Adam (6.8) recently signed to whack balls into the box, Crouch’s fantasy star could be on the rise.

3. Moussa Dembele: Dembele (6.0), part of Belgium’s so-called “Golden Generation,” has always been a good player. His dribbling is impressive, and he adds real drive to the midfield. But, before Saturday, he always bothered me. Dembele seemed like the kind of player who, having dribbled through three opposition midfielders, outmuscled a center back and nut-megged his own teammate, arrogantly decides to stop and wave to the crowd or blow kisses to the cute girl in row F, until one of the few defenders not choking in his dust nicks the ball, which is rolling out of bounds, anyway. Dembele didn’t fail to score goals at Fulham because he was incapable of executing the final shot; he didn’t score because he just didn’t feel like it. At least, that was the way I saw it. But, last weekend, Dembele stopped messing around. He controlled, he jinked, he shot, and he scored. If he can keep that up, then, well, sign him. I’m still not 100 percent convinced, though.

4. Silva-lining?: Here’s a thought: Maybe David Silva (9.9) is kind of — wait for it — overrated. Yeah, I just said that. Maybe the fact that he’s Spanish and silky and doesn’t mind when bored journalists pun with his name doesn’t compensate for that other fact – you know, that he’s not as good as Andres Iniesta. Last year, Silva was one of the Fantasy Premier League’s most valuable players. But, three weeks into this campaign, he has yet to record so much as an assist, and he missed a penalty in City’s opening fixture. Mancini, who is becoming dangerously obsessed with this whole “three at the back is super-trendy” thing, dropped Silva for City’s match at Liverpool. Samir Nasri (8.6) is playing well, and he’s cheaper than Silva. Over at Stamford Bridge, Eden Hazard’s (10.0) performances have been Messianic — by which I mean Messi-like – but you probably can’t afford Hazard and Silva. I know which one I’d choose.

5. Robin, Chicha and Welbz: Top scorer in the Premier League, professional Panenka-misser, and Manchester United legend. Robin van Persie’s (13.3) hat trick against Southampton will live long in the memory, and, by the way, who needs Wayne Rooney? Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez (7.8) put in an exciting shift when he entered the game with ten minutes to go, though signing third-string forwards is never an effective fantasy strategy. The big loser up front was Danny Welbeck (8.4), who seems to have mastered the art of invisibility.

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1. Eden is a Hazard: Here at EPL Talk, we never pass up opportunities like these: this pun was just too good – and too deliciously obvious – to resist. Eden Hazard (9.8) is, like, a hazard to, like, defenses. Get it? If not, the statistics tell a pretty vivid tale: Hazard has recorded six assists in his first three Premier League games. He is the Fantasy Premier League’s top point-scorer. His approach play – particularly when he combines with Juan Mata (9.3) and Fernando Torres (10.0) – is ridiculously effective. And when Lampard (9.0) is on the bench, Hazard takes penalties. Hazard’s “my-transfer-saga-is-on-Twitter” shenanigans annoyed a lot of people (who does this guy think he is – LeBron?) but, if you refuse to sign egotists, you rule out approximately 100 percent of the players available to you.

2. Fallen Stars: If you signed Sergio Aguero (11.2) or Wayne Rooney (12.0) – you know, that injured guy and that other injured guy – then, well, you got screwed. But that’s just what football does, what it has always done. Days after stumbling upon a “dead cert” or a “guaranteed starter,” it turns out that the dead cert has selfishly decided to make more money in another country, or that the guaranteed starter needs to lose a few pounds – or, in Rooney’s case, more than a few. That sort of thing happens all the time. After all, fantasy football is merely an extension of the misery that defines hardcore fandom. As such, it enjoys causing you pain.

3. Pleased to Michu, but I prefer Danny Graham: If you’re one of the few Fantasy Premier League managers who haven’t jumped on the Michu (6.9) bandwagon, then good for you. If you’re a member of the vast uncreative majority, an amateur tactician too timid to try something unorthodox, then congratulations, you’re a copycat. Everything about Michu – his nationality, the fact that he’s listed as a midfielder, his nationality again – oozes trendy, modern football-ness. More important, he has already picked up huge numbers of points. But, believe it or not, there’s a cheaper alternative. Former Watford striker Danny Graham (6.0), who scored his first goal of the season on Saturday, is pretty good, too. He’s cheap but prolific, a solid purchase. And, of course, there’s always a lot to be said for doing something different just for the sake of doing something different.

4. Everton: Don’t say it too loudly – because David Moyes will kill the guy who jinxes it – but Everton (yes, Everton) has started the season with two wins (yes, wins) in two games. Remarkable. Or maybe not. Complement the craft of Steven Pienaar (6.5) with the goal-scoring of Nikica Jelavic (8.5) and the sheer power of Phil Jagielka (6.0) and Sylvain Distin (5.5), and you have yourself a decent team. Throw in the odd Belgian Sideshow Bob (Marouane Fellaini) (6.7), finish it all off with an insane (and that adjective is deliberately ambiguous) goalkeeper (Tim Howard) (5.5), and you have yourself a more than decent team. However, buy these players sooner rather than later – this streak won’t last long. It can’t. Everton isn’t supposed to do this kind of thing (you know, the whole “winning” lark) until February, or maybe January, or whenever there’s just enough time to raise hopes but never enough transfer cash to fulfill them.

5. Tevez is back: Eight months ago, an overweight Argentine stood on a Buenos Aires golf course, negotiating with a sharply dressed Milanese agent. The Argentine probably had a beer in his hand. Fast forward to the present, and that same Argentine – Carlos Tevez (9.3) – has shed the weight, defeated the karma and made up with Roberto Mancini. On Sunday, he scored his second goal in two games. The guy who refused to play is back. It’s time to forgive him.

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Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

After a whirlwind opening weekend in the Premier League, here are my thoughts and tips relating to Fantasy Premier League.

1. White is the color: Swansea and Fulham finished opening weekend at the top of the Premier League. Two slick European managers and two debut braces helped two teams clad in white to two 5-0 victories. For Michu (6.5), read Mladen Petric (6.0). A quick glance – or, for that matter, a prolonged stare – at this week’s Fantasy Premier League Dream Team yields an awful lot of white. It’s almost blinding. Over the weekend, Nathan Dyer (5.5), Damien Duff (6.0) and Wayne Routledge (5.0) accumulated 33 points among them. And that, by the way, is not an excuse to buy Duff. Duff is inherently inexcusable.

2. Barcahampton: Southampton manager Nigel Adkins has spent a lot of his required media hours talking about attacking football. The Swansea way, he says, is the way to go; the Rodgers model, he opines, is the model for me. Southampton will score goals this season, and Rickie Lambert (5.0) will score most of them. Adam Lallana (6.0), whose energetic play unsettled City debutant and serial sideways passer Jack Rodwell (5.0), is also worth a bet. However, the Saints’ other notable attackers, Jay Rodriguez (5.5) and Guly do Prado (5.5), are riskier options. Lambert may have started Sunday’s match on the bench, but you can be sure he’ll return to the lineup for Southampton’s forthcoming clash with Wigan. That will leave either Prado or Rodriguez out of the team.

3. Big Sam’s back: Somewhere, perhaps in a cave, Sam Allardyce is arranging bits of rock in a 4-4-2 formation. The Andy Carroll (8.5) rock may be missing, but Big Sam isn’t discouraged. After all, he’s got Carlton Cole (5.5). The fact that West Ham was once an attractive, attacking football team is unlikely to bear on Allardyce’s tactics this season. Against Aston Villa, the Hammers’ old-fashioned rearguard ground out an old-fashioned 1-0 win. Of course, that’ll do if your fantasy team happens to feature the defensive acumen of a James Collins (5.0), Winston Reid (4.5), Guy Demel (4.0), or George McCartney (4.0).

4. Arsenal will score eventually: Never read too much into the Premier League’s opening weekend – sunny August gameweeks are notoriously misleading. For instance, while Arsenal isn’t going to light the league on fire – indeed, Wenger’s team will probably struggle to scrape fourth – Olivier Giroud (9.0) and Lukas Podolski (8.5) can’t possibly be this bad in real life (by which I mean on any occasion other than the most magical day in sports – a world of its own, if you ask me.) Arsenal showed enough attacking promise to encourage even cynical fans – who, these days, can be found in droves – despite failing to penetrate a back four anchored by Carlos “Not Even Good Enough For McCleish” Cuellar (4.5). Santi Cazorla (9.0), in particular, looked bright and inventive – kind of like… hmm… every other Spanish midfielder in the Premier League.

5. Ba vs. Cisse: Every time Demba Ba (7.5) and Papiss Cisse (9.5) show affection for each other – every time they kiss the ground together, every time they high five, every time they share an ironic smile after a close miss – I become more and more convinced that, at some point this season, they will clash in a training-ground punch-up. Which clearly means that you’re going to have to take a side (obviously, you can’t have both on your squad – team chemistry has nothing to do with fantasy football, but the enmity that must exist between these two players transcends basic fantasy rules). On the evidence of opening day, Ba, who scored a splendid goal against Tottenham, is the better buy. That makes my recommendation easy. Sign Cisse – Pardew never pushes him out to the wing.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1. IT’S BACK!: There’s Christmas Day, and then there’s the return of Fantasy Football. After that, quite frankly, there’s nothing. Ten days ago, the server opened, mini-leagues formed and I weighed the pros and cons of Marko Marin and Hatem Ben Arfa. A few of us asked the message boards for advice. I asked my neighbor’s dog. “Fantasy Premier League is barely back for 2 hours and I’m already stressed,” @FutbolIntelect wrote on Twitter. Know the feeling? Sure you do.

2. Picking: You can choose your team a couple of ways. Personally, I prefer the “scattergun” method: just fill up those 15 slots as quickly as you can, save, and then start making the tough decisions. If you’re more comfortable with a measured approach, write down a few important names on a slip of paper before you even open up the website; the bright lights and flashing advertisements can be distracting. But don’t worry too much about your first draft. The XI with which you end Day One is not necessarily the XI you’ll finalize at 11:29 pm on August 18. Plenty of time remains for inspiration.

3. Drama and Manchester City: It’s always tempting to shell out on last year’s star man, especially when he’s as hot as Robin van Persie. But before you commit a large portion of your budget to one player, make sure he has a stable future. RvP has made it quite clear that he wants to leave Arsenal; don’t start the season with an unhappy Dutchman up front. Speaking of unhappy forwards: Manchester City. Financial Fair Play is supposed to be implemented any minute now, which is why City have spent frugally this summer – this may be the last transfer window of ridiculous fees. Ah, well. City made the most of what I already feel comfortable terming the “good old days,” spending large sums on several strikers over the past four years, with some starring (Aguero), some flopping (Santa Cruz, Dzeko) and some just causing ridiculous amounts of hassle (Balotelli, Tevez). It’s never wise to being the season with one of City’s strikers, because nobody knows which combination will start up front.

4. Bradley Wiggins and the end of English sporting futility: What, you may ask, does Bradley Wiggins have to do with fantasy football? I didn’t watch a minute of the Tour de France, but nevertheless I feel confident in saying that Wiggins’ win tells us something about English sporting superiority. That’s not a typo. Believe it or not, English footballers dominate the Fantasy Premier League. Joe Hart earned more points than any other goalkeeper last season. Kyle Walker and John Terry came third and fourth respectively in the defender rankings. Wayne Rooney was second only to RvP among front men. And Theo Walcott – yeah, the Theo Walcott you thought was infuriating and unreliable – washed up at fourth in the midfield standings.

5. New signings: This is where self-control comes in. The whole concept of the transfer window is sustained by irrational excitement. Nick Powell just joined United from League Two? World Beater. Hugo Rodallega to Fulham? Match-Made-In-Heaven. Matthew Lowton signs for Villa? Never-Heard-Of-Him-But-Great-Anyway. You mustn’t let that summer hysteria – a side effect of weeks without competitive club football – influence your fantasy selections. Sam Pater, who won last year’s Fantasy Premier League, is a level-headed, pragmatic manager (I’ve never met him, of course. Who has? I have a feeling he doesn’t get out a lot).

My First XI

Back Seven

John Ruddy (Norwich City): John Ruddy isn’t a star keeper, but he’s cheap. The fantasy system undervalues goalkeepers – a top goalie doesn’t have the potential to earn as many points as a top striker or midfielder – so it’s best to settle for someone in the 4.5 to 5 million range. Price: 4.5 million. Starter.

Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle United): This buccaneering Sideshow Bob look-alike is a much better deal than his overpriced doppelgänger, David Luiz. The year Newcastle were relegated, Coloccini was generally considered a gruesome result of bad management and a study in “typically South American” defensive naïveté. Now he’s indisputably one of the best defenders in the league. Price: 5 million. Starter.

Aaron Hughes (Fulham): One of my all-time favorite fantasy players. He’s tough, reliable and cheap. Price: 4.5 million. Starter.

Antolin Alcaraz (Wigan): Alcaraz may be one letter short of the coolest name in football, but with a decent goal-scoring record and a low price tag he’s a perfectly adequate defensive option. Price: 4.5 million. Starter.

Radek Cerny (Queens Park Rangers): I always buy the cheapest possible bench so I can afford a high-quality starting XI. Price: 4 million. Substitute.

Chris Tierney (Norwich City): Same as Cerny. Price: 4 million. Substitute.

Leon Barnett (Norwich City): Same as Cerny. Price: 4 million. Substitute.

Midfield Five

Shinji Kagawa (Manchester United): As I make clear in point #5, it’s important to think realistically about new signings. Based on everything I’ve seen from Manchester United in pre-season, however, Kagawa – who was definitely not bought to “sell shirts” – will begin the season in Ferguson’s starting lineup. Price: 8.5 million. Starter.

David Silva (Manchester City): An easy pick. Silva is arguably the best player in the Premier League, and his fantasy exploits reflect that. Price: 10 million. Starter (captain).

Marko Marin (Chelsea): Marin is another exception to the new-signing rule. Since Arjen Robben left in 2007, Chelsea have relied exclusively on their fullbacks for width, so Marin offers a new, exciting attacking option. He’s underpriced and very talented. Price: 7 million. Starter.

Yaya Toure (Manchester City): A bulldozer who scores goals, Toure is up there with Nemanja Vidic and Vincent Kompany on the “Players I Don’t Want to Meet in Dark Alleys” list. His brace against Newcastle – goals that, at the time, seemed to have secured City the title – epitomized a season of consistent contributions. Price: 8 million. Starter. 

Leon Britton (Swansea): Anyone nicknamed the “English Iniesta” deserves a second glance. Unfortunately, Britton only makes it into this team as a substitute. Price: 4.5 million. Substitute.

Front Three

Papiss Cisse (Newcastle United): Something about banana volleys appeals to me, even though they have no value in the fantasy game. Cisse scores goal, which is rather the point, isn’t it? Price: 9.5 million. Starter.

Wayne Rooney (Manchester United): Ignore him at your peril. Wayne Rooney isn’t an exciting or original fantasy pick, but he does the job. And he takes penalties. Price: 12 million. Starter (vice-captain).

Fernando Torres (Chelsea): You have to gamble to win, and splashing 10 million on Euro 2012’s top goal scorer is certainly a…wait — that doesn’t make sense. Conventional wisdom may tell you that Torres is one goal-drought away from complete implosion, but anyone who is a European champion at both club and international levels deserves a chance. Sometimes you’ve just got to go out on a limb and sign the in-form player. Starter.

Join the EPL Talk mini-league within Fantasy Premier League to play against The Gaffer and thousands of other EPL Talk readers from around the world.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Thanks to Jose Mourinho’s continued success, the sharply dressed Iberian has gradually replaced the bespectacled Scotsman as the de-rigueur football manager. Eighteen months ago, Andre Villas-Boas slid effortlessly into that role with a charming, irresistible panache. He was slightly cooler and sexier than just about every other manager in world football.

He looked and smelled like Jose 2.0. It wasn’t just that both managers made their names at Porto, a Portuguese club known for its no-nonsense chairman. But also that both shared the uncanny ability to look comfortable in everything they wore, no matter the weather. Football geeks rightly pointed out that they were in fact very different: Villas-Boas played energetic, attacking football, while Jose Mourinho used a more negative… blah, blah, blah. Whether they were actually similar was irrelevant – they felt the same, and that was enough.

After Porto’s league season, Villas-Boas accepted the job of Chelsea manager, thereby completing the Jose Mourinho comparison. Not only did this man smell like Jose, but he also managed the same teams as Jose. But for some reason – maybe John Terry just didn’t like the way he breathed – Villas-Boas never gained the trust of Mourinho’s inner circle of players, the same inner circle that won Chelsea trophies in the mid-2000s but has done nothing but whine since.

At what point AVB, as he quickly became known among the British press, “lost the dressing room” was unclear. Maybe it was when Chelsea drew at Stoke on opening day. Maybe it was when a run of indifferent form ended their title challenge. Or maybe — and this is the most likely scenario — it was the moment he walked in the door. Because the thing about Chelsea, and the thing about the inner circle, was that results were secondary. It was always about a feeling. To us, Villas-Boas felt like the next Mourinho. To the inner circle, he felt like a snappily dressed imposter intent on breaking up the inner circle and building anew.

Villas-Boas has now been out of work for almost six months. In most professions, you can’t be unemployed that long and expect to stroll back in. Football’s different, though. Sure, AVB’s reputation has diminished — maybe he doesn’t fill the Iberian-manager role quite as comfortably as he used to — but the feeling is still there. Something about Villas-Boas makes you think he’ll be successful. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy clearly sees it: that’s why he recruited AVB after Harry Redknapp tried to wheel one deal too many. After all, the guy’s young, precocious and clearly talented. His modus operandi at Chelsea was a squad-wide cull, and when the squad members who were about to be culled conspired against him, he was always likely to become the next victim of Roman Abramovich’s notoriously itchy trigger finger.

At Tottenham, Villas-Boas won’t have to deal with the inner-circle nonsense. Instead, he’ll have to maneuver through awkward press conferences devoted entirely to the Luka Modric transfer and do his best to zone out the schizophrenia that permeates everything Spurs do, from transfer negotiations to team selections. Spurs’ recent late-season collapse was too traumatic, and their last-minute slip into the Europa League too devastating, not to leave behind a lot of psychological baggage badly in need of handling. Villas-Boas will have to simultaneously motivate and educate a group of players scarred by the tactical naiveté of their former manager. And then there’s Benoit Assou-Ekotto…

But Villas-Boas already knows all that. He watched Spurs implode from the comfort of some beach in the Caribbean. Perhaps the shock of seeing Mario Balotelli deny Tottenham a well-earned draw at the Etihad caused him to spill his mimosa, but nothing more. After all, anyone who has succeeded in cultivating a Mourinho-style persona must be calm and self-assured. Villas-Boas won’t be daunted by the job in front of him, he’ll be excited by it. Tottenham are a glamorous club based in a glamorous city. Last season’s coach, Harry Redknapp, is popular but not irreplaceable – ultimately, the FA preferred Roy Hodgson, who, however impressive he looked schmoozing with Andre Agassi in Centre Court’s royal box, is hugely underwhelming as a football manager. Moreover, Villas-Boas, presumably, starts his new job with the full support of the board of directors, something he never had at Chelsea.

If the stars align, Spurs could be brilliant next season. Jermain Defoe can score goals by the bucketful. Brad Friedel never, ever misses a game. And Ledley King is still one of the best defenders in the Premier League, even though — and this is just a suspicion of mine – he no longer has a knee in any meaningful sense. But the stars would definitely have to align. Any team that relies on Rafael Van Der Vaart’s enigmatic talent is always apt to, well, lose.

No matter the outcome, Villas-Boas will sit, or squat, in the dugout, confident in his own ability. The occasional fly will land self-consciously on the sleeve of his well-ironed, ludicrously clean dress shirt. One glance from AVB, and the fly will hesitate for a moment, before rushing away to tell its peers whose shirt sleeve it just landed on. Whether Villas-Boas is indeed a great manager is, at this point, irrelevant. He feels like one, and that’s half the battle.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Here’s the final Adventures in the Fantasy Premier League column of the season.

1. Pay attention: Off-season attentiveness is a prerequisite for early success. Managers who familiarize themselves with the oddly named Europeans sure to trickle into England this summer will, inevitably, make clever, assured choices when compiling their first elevens. Do your reading, and those August maneuverings will seem easier than ever.

2. European Championships: Like most football fans, I know I can scout talent. Several years ago, I discovered a tricky, penetrative Huddersfield winger. His name was Anthony Pilkington. Look at him now. The European Championships will provide an ideal stage for some of Europe’s up-and-coming players, an opportunity for these youngsters to showcase their talent in front of “real” scouts, the ones we know are not as clever as we are, but who nevertheless have the jobs we deserve. For the Fantasy manager, the Euros offer an early chance to analyze current Premier League stars, and to take a look at potential signings.

3. Plan ahead: If you want to be top of the heap, then you better know how to operate a spreadsheet. True fantasy-heads – like me, of course – invest time, not just drunken inspiration. We compile statistics, make educated predictions and keep a close watch on fixture rescheduling. In our world, gigantic poster boards covered with player profiles and complex calculations are worth more than notes on beer-stained napkins. We mix the mathematical expertise of Arsene Wenger with the pragmatism of Sam Allardyce, to create a lethal cocktail of tedious effort and footballing genius.

4. The Olympics: London 2012 will piss off more than just the odd Premier League manager. Sir Alex Ferguson, who makes disgruntled sniffing noises every time the tournament is mentioned, let his barely concealed chagrin show recently when he banned Javier Hernandez from Mexico’s squad.

It’s difficult to judge the footballing merit of the Olympics. Its U-23 format isn’t conducive to fan or media interest; indeed, only the gimmicky nature of Great Britain’s participation this year launched Olympic football into the public eye (except, of course, in North and South America, where the tournament is taken much more seriously). While the football itself is unlikely to enlighten fantasy scouts, the fatigue that the tournament will generate in certain players could prove crucial.

5. Pre-season hype: Don’t talk about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t read it (unless it’s published on EPL Talk). Strive to act logically, not reactively. Consider intelligent recommendations and reject fanciful ones. Ignore your intuition because it’s usually wrong.

Good luck preparing for season 2012/13!

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

1. This isn’t Italy — Despite everything that Roberto Mancini has said over the last two weeks, Premier League teams very rarely have “nothing to play for”. Take Norwich City. Spiraling towards end-of-season malaise, the Canaries arrived at the Emirates on Saturday with a point to prove. Presumably inspired by the FA’s recent managerial decision, Grant Holt performed admirably as did Steve Morison – yes, the paper-shredder – who came on as a late substitute and promptly scored Norwich’s equalizer. Even without a tangible target – e.g. survival, Europe, etc. – Lambert’s team appeared more motivated than Arsene Wenger’s Champions-League-chasing- Gunners. Food for thought.

2. Big game Yaya — Jot this down for next season — Yaya Toure scores big goals. If last year’s FA Cup heroics hadn’t already cemented Toure’s place in Manchester City folklore, then his terrific brace on Sunday certainly did. Both goals oozed class: the first a composed finish from the edge of the area, and the second a fine bit of poaching.

3. Bundesliga — And now for some Bundesliga appreciation. Some still look down upon our Continental friends, but even England’s staunchest xenophobes have to hand it to the Germans: the Bundesliga produces top-class strikers. Papiss Cisse and Pavel Pogrebnyak are the two most recent examples of former-Bundesliga players making an impact in the Fantasy Premier League, following a trail that Demba Ba blazed about eighteen months ago. Make sure to sign Marin and Podolski as soon as the 2012/13 Fantasy Premier League opens for business.

4. Evaluate — The Fantasy season hasn’t quite ended, but now is still a great time for self-reflection. Should you have followed your instincts and signed Andy Carroll back in August? Probably not. And should you have drunkenly played your transfer wildcard during Gameweek 3? Again, probably not. The formula for success in all fantasy sports is quite simple: plan ahead, stay informed and never trust your intuition.

5. Scouting for next year — Finally, an enticing preview of next week’s post, which will highlight a few off-season activities for the budding fantasy manager. Euro 2012 kicks off in thirty days, providing an ideal opportunity for some early scouting. Keep an eye on players like Marin and Podolski (both already destined for the Premier League), as well as rumored transfer targets like Luuk De Jong and Alan Dzagoev.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

1. Chelsea are dull- The good old days have returned. After dispensing with the innovative AVB, Chelsea have reverted to their “Mourinho tactics”. Who cares if the new style alienates Fernando Torres? It’s effective, and that’s all that matters. Plus it makes Gary Cahill, Branislav Ivanovic and John Terry very valuable indeed. Petr Cech, too.

2. The Ox- Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain performed, by his standards, very poorly against Chelsea. He was uninvolved for long periods, gave the ball away more than usual and was substituted with plenty of time remaining. However, Oxlade-Chamberlain, whose exploits this season earned him a PFA Young Player of the Year nomination, could be set for further opportunities in the next few weeks. With half an hour left in the Chelsea match, Theo Walcott limped off with what looks like a season-ending hamstring injury, leaving the right wing position vacant. Unless Gervinho miraculously improves his forehead-to-talent ratio in the next three weeks, “The Ox” should start all of Arsenal’s remaining games. At 5 million, he could prove a bargain.

3. Dirt Cheap Newcastle- When the dust cleared on Saturday evening, Newcastle found themselves in fourth spot, three points clear of a faltering Tottenham. Another Cisse goal, reinforced by Cabaye’s brace, had propelled Newcastle to victory over Stoke. The fantasy headlines, though, were made by the defense. Every member of Newcastle’s back five is priced at or below five million. Incredibly, Santon and Williamson cost just 4.2 million each. That’s what you call value for money.

4. Junior Hoilett- For the poets among us, Junior Hoilett’s unfortunate surname offers ample opportunity to rhyme a word that seldom gets its due. For the fantasy managers among us — a somewhat larger group — Junior Hoilett offers a perfect short-term option: he’s too inconsistent to star all season long, but he can be relied upon to produce bursts of form. One of Hoilett’s purple patches could be on the horizon. With Blackburn battling the drop, you would like to think that all their players will dig in, go the extra ten percent, put their lives on the line, run through walls, wear the badge with pride, and generally run about. If Hoilett does all that — and throws in a few goals, as well — then he may yet prove pivotal to some bloke’s fantasy run-in.

5. January Signings- According to Sir Alex Ferguson, there’s no value for money in the January transfer window. Well, Fergie, you’re wrong. With Jelavic and Pienaar, Everton brought in two necessary attacking players, reinforcements who solidified their upper-mid table place and inspired an exciting, though ultimately disappointing, cup run. Newcastle, too, have benefitted from some savvy January dealings — Papiss Cisse’s goals have put them within touching distance of a Champions League place. Unfortunately, fantasy managers rarely exploit incoming talent. Players who join from another league half-way through the season don’t show up on the top-ten- player leader boards, so many managers forget about them. Don’t make that mistake.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1.  Tevez- In fantasy football, you don’t have to deal with uncooperative players. That’s why it was difficult for managers like you and me to get our heads around Mancini’s Tevez dilemma. But we certainly understand goals. Goals. Tevez. Three at Carrow Road, which makes four last week in total. And Wolves coming up next Sunday…

2.  Sigurdsson- Remember the Icelandic volcano that disrupted Barcelona’s travel plans ahead of their faceoff against Inter Milan in the Champions League semi-finals? Jose Mourinho called the volcano Gudjohnsen – Why? Gudjohnsen was the only Icelandic footballer he knew. (Why Mourinho had to name the volcano after a footballer is anyone’s guess). Being the football-savvy, man-of-all-cultures that he is, Mourinho has, by now, surely heard of another Icelander. Gylfi Sigurdsson’s performances this season have been noticed by a lot of people, and for good reason. Saturday’s strike was his seventh in the Premier League since joining Swansea in January – not bad for a midfielder. If Mourinho had a fantasy team – and I’m almost certain he doesn’t, unless you count Real Madrid — I’d tell him to sign Sigurdsson. Instead, I’ll tell you. Sign Gylfi Sigurdsson (5.6 million).

3.  Rooney – How Rooney managed to score two goals against Aston Villa is beyond me. His performance was utterly awful, sloppiness laced with the volatility that consistently undermines his talent. However, producing results without playing well is the way to win titles, or so the old cliché goes. And Manchester United certainly know how to win titles. Indeed, they will probably seal this season’s league within the next couple of weeks. Rooney will be pivotal, even if he plays badly.

4.  Nobody likes a diver- Diving isn’t taken into account by most fantasy managers. It seems like one of those icky, controversial issues that the virtual game doesn’t have to — and, frankly, doesn’t want to — deal with. But what if diving could guarantee extra points? What if players suddenly became more valuable because of the quality of their cheating? Enter: Ashley Young. After being roundly criticized for his dive against QPR, Young was at it again on Sunday, first dragging his foot into Ciaran Clark’s leg, then glancing longingly at the referee before finally tumbling to the ground. And, eventually, winning assist points. Time to stock up on divers.

5. Change captains- I hate to say it, but Robin Van Persie’s run has ended. With only one goal in his last six Premier League games – and a bust-up with Gary Caldwell to boot – RvP seems to have misplaced the inspiration that powered his midseason tear. It’s time to transfer your team’s coveted armband to someone in better form. And, no, Gary Caldwell should not be considered. 

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

Redemption- These were gameweeks of redemption, and not just for Wigan Athletic. Andy Carroll was absolutely shocking for 91 minutes of Liverpool’s 3-2 win at Ewood Park, before springing into life for the final 120 seconds. Joey Barton, too, put previous struggles behind him with a goal in QPR’s potentially crucial 3-0 win over Swansea. And, of course, Carlos Tevez scored a deflected goal for Manchester City. Interestingly, all three players started for their respective clubs, something of a rarity in recent weeks. Last season, Carroll, Barton and Tevez were fantastic — especially Tevez who, remember, finished as the league’s top scorer. Renaissance, anyone?

A word on penalty takers- On Wednesday evening, I cheated on the Premier League. Instead of taking in Arsenal-Wolves on DVR, I watched Bayern Munich’s crucial Bundesliga clash with Borussia Dortmund. In case you don’t already know, Arjen Robben missed a late penalty, which brings me back to the Fantasy Premier League, where consistent penalty-takers are vital to success. Over the last two gameweeks, we have been lucky enough to see three top-class penalty- takers exhibit their art. And two of them are English. Frank Lampard converted at Craven Cottage, Wayne Rooney at Old Trafford and Robin Van Persie at Molineux.

If you’re short on cash, though, you have other cheaper options. Shaun Maloney scored a penalty at Anfield a few weeks ago, and Fulham’s Danny Murphy is one of the most clinical takers in the league. (Notice I exclude Yakubu. I was embarrassed just watching his miss on Tuesday).

Pilkington- A shout-out to Anthony Pilkington who, as you may remember, I have always admired. He scored the first of two Norwich goals at White Hart Lane – the second, scored by Elliot Bennet, was a screamer – and bothered the Spurs defense all match with his set pieces, clever dribbles and generally bothersome play. He’s cheap, too.

The Toffees- Yay! Everton are scoring goals! Six in two games to be exact, including four in a resounding win over Martin O’Neill’s Sunderland. What’s more, the goals are actually spread out across the team, rather than, as in previous seasons, concentrated on the head of Tim Cahill (not that David Moyes would mind a little more productivity from that head…).

Take note: Everton have an FA Cup semi-final this weekend, so any moves should be delayed until the days before gameweek 35. (Sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of managers who don’t take such things into account).

Dempsey- The one time I met Clint Dempsey, I told him how much I enjoyed his beautiful chip against Juventus. He stared at me for a second, as if trying to remember that particular goal. Seeming nonplussed, he thanked me and walked away, probably to scour YouTube. Yup, it was just as strange as it sounds.

This year, he could certainly be forgiven for forgetting a goal or two. After all, he has scored sixteen in the league, tied with Yakubu and Ba for fourth in the scoring charts. In form.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

• Squeaky Bum Time- As the clock ticks on this year’s Premier League, fantasy managers everywhere are beginning to sweat. Whatever your motivation – pub bragging rights, office sweepstakes, England job – the importance of cashing in on opportunities now couldn’t be clearer. With that in mind, here’s a bit of advice: If you haven’t yet used your transfer wildcard, do so, but don’t be the guy who drunkenly plays it ten minutes before gameweek deadline. You might wind up relying on Emile Heskey in a crucial Fantasy Cup tie. 

• Torres Time?- We all claim to wish him the best, but secretly we enjoy every minute of his agony. We love it when he misses.

Schadenfreude is an emotion familiar to most involved in fantasy football – or in real football, but who cares about that? Watching others fail is a big part of what makes sports fun and, ultimately, fun is what sports are all about. So to see Fernando Torres scoring again is very disheartening indeed. If Torres nets in the Champions League midweek, then he will have ended droughts in all three major competitions. The words “in form” might suddenly apply. His name might start to appear on fantasy transfer lists, then fantasy starting line-ups. It’s a shame, but Torres is edging closer to his best and — in good, cynical football tradition – it’s time that the fantasy public started to exploit that fact.

• Sessegnon- At the heart of Sunderland’s 3-3 draw at Manchester City – a match that was arguably the story of the weekend – was Stephane Sessegnon. The muscular, poised Sessegnon is a tough, agile attacking midfielder. Apart from his two assists, he  launched several effective counter attacks, and his boundless energy – especially in contrast to Silva’s tiredness – is impressive at this stage in the season. Certainly, a worthwhile transfer target.

• Everton’s defense- You know something is up when Victor Anichebe scores. And while what was “up” on Saturday had nothing to do with the big Nigerian, it bears fantasy significance. Since losing 1-0 to Arsenal, Everton haven’t conceded a single goal, notching clean sheets against Swansea and West Brom in the league, and Sunderland in the FA Cup. Players like Tony Hibbert, Leighton Baines and Sylvain Distin seem to be hitting their stride just at the right time. Keep an eye on them.

• You’re Welcome- On Thursday evening, around 6:30, I sacked Clint Dempsey. On Saturday afternoon, around 3:02, Dempsey put Fulham 1-0 up against Norwich City. Any connection? Of course. So, if you benefited from Dempsey’s goal – and later his assist – I’m the one to thank. Oh, by the way, Fulham play Chelsea next week, a team Dempsey has had success against in the past.

And a few other good shouts: Papiss Cisse, Juan Mata, Nicklas Bendtner (!), Antonio Valencia, Jonny Evans and Emmanuel Adebayor.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1. Feed the Yak- Along with Danny Graham and Grant Holt, Yakubu is one of the top three value-for-money forwards in the Fantasy Premier League. Available at £5.9 million, he has scored more league goals than either Balotelli or Dzeko. He is an automatic starter at Blackburn and a consistent penalty-taker. Last week, his headed goal sealed a 2-0 win over Sunderland, though he came up blank this weekend on an emotional day at the Reebok. Decent bet.

1. Liverpool Disaster– After a resounding 3-0 win over Everton, Liverpool have lost their last two Premier League games, succumbing to QPR and, bizarrely, Wigan. Players like Steven Gerrard, Charlie Adam and Luis Suarez are popular fantasy buys, but, given Liverpool’s recent struggles, they should be avoided.

I trust your judgment enough not to insert more than a solitary sentence here about the danger of jumping on the Gary Caldwell bandwagon. Enticed by one match day of brilliance, fantasy football managers too often throw money at notoriously spotty performers

1. Peter Crouch is good at volleys– A few weeks back, I wrote about the potential success of a qualitative Fantasy Premier League – a point-earning system based on subjective performance ratings, crazy goal celebrations and off-field antics. Of course, this league will never come into being, but thinking about it beats counting sheep. One man who would have received top marks in such a league this week is Peter Crouch, who scored arguably the goal of the season against Manchester City on Saturday. Cue, ridiculous babble like “If Zlatan had scored it, we would be talking about if for years”. If Zlatan had scored it, nobody would care. We’re used to his brilliance; it hardly means anything anymore.

Since scorer was indeed Peter Crouch, he, and not Zlatan, deserves a fantasy plug. Crouch has earned 103 points this season, three times as many as fellow forward Cameron Jerome. Crouch is big and supposedly enjoys nachos. Go for it.

1. Viva Ronaldo- As you may or may not be aware, Cristiano Ronaldo scored his 100^th  La Liga goal on Saturday. He reached the mark in just 92 games, a record that Lionel Messi will never match. HA!

My interest piqued, I looked for a list of all the active Premier League players with 100 or more league goals. Here it is: Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney, Emile Heskey, Jermain Defoe, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Darren Bent and Didier Drogba. Of those players, only Rooney has been in decent goal scoring form this season – all the others are either injured, short on confidence or stuck on the bench. How Heskey scored 100 goals I do not know. Please, don’t sign him.

1. Inconsistent Theo- Theo Walcott is the Premier League’s most frustrating player. He’s in superb form at the moment, which means he’ll probably be in dire form by the end of the season. He scored a brilliant goal on Saturday, and is therefore sure to miss a sitter next weekend. At 9.1 million, though, Walcott is priced just right. Worth a risk. Maybe.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

Playing Fantasy Premier League each week, you begin to look at the actual games in different ways. Here are some of my findings from this past weekend’s action:

1. Nikita Jelavic- It’s always risky to praise a player after just one game, but Jelavic’s Goodison Park debut warrants immediate excitement. He scored the only goal in a slightly dull 1-0 win over Spurs, and also demonstrated an underrated facet of top-class strike play: the ability to hold-up the ball and introduce midfielders to the attacking phase. Jelavic’s poise with his back to goal should help sustain Everton attacks, thereby guaranteeing more goal-scoring opportunities for attacking midfielders like Osman and Cahill.

2. Ignore Wolves- Don’t be swayed by that managerial empathy. Ignore Terry Connor. As coaches ourselves, we all know how it feels to stumble through a rough patch. True, we don’t have to deal with the media or contemplate relegation, but getting teased by our “friends” sucks too. So resist the temptation to splash out on O’Hara or Doyle or Fletcher. Let them rot. Wolves play Manchester United next week (see point #4 below for why that fixture spells doom).

3. No beach balls allowed- Last time Sunderland beat Liverpool 1-0 at the Stadium of Light, they benefited from divine intervention or — depending on where your loyalties lie — the idiocy of a teenage Scouser. Unfortunately for us, neither the beach ball, the Scouser nor God comes standard in the official Premier League Fantasy Game, and that sad fact probably left many readers slightly disoriented when, just minutes before the gameweek deadline, they made their team selections. Well, Nicklas Bendtner (who has as much ability as a beach ball’s with ten times the ego) did the business on Saturday afternoon, scoring the only goal. I’ve warned you against signing Bendtner too many times to go back on that now. My recommendation? England international striker Frazier Campbell.

4. Rooney- It’s turning into a vintage year for Wayne Rooney. After scoring consecutive hat tricks early in the season, he lost form in the wake of — you guessed it — England failure, but he has since regained the scoring touch. Two goals against West Brom catapulted him above Sergio Aguero in the scoring charts, mirroring the ascendance of United, who now lead City by a point. Count on more Rooney goals in the weeks ahead.

5. A week for defenders- Attackers score points; defenders score fewer points. Fantasy Football is no friend to the men at the back, so, by virtue of my allegiances to The Game That Is Better Than The Real Thing, neither am I. Sometimes, though, especially after a weekend of clean sheets, you have to eat crow. Mind you, I don’t intend to enjoy said crow. Indeed, I mean to consume it with speed. Here goes: Congratulations to Jonny Evans, Ashley Williams, John O’Shea, James Collins, John Terry and Michael Turner for terrific achievement in The Art Of Defending. Phew!

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

It might be time to make a cautious investigation, to glance, secretly at first, at the Arsenal player transfer page.

2. Chelsea In Trouble- Somewhere, perhaps on a private yacht sailing steadily towards some clandestine destination, is Roman Abramovich. Somewhere, perhaps tossing and turning on a bed or squatting thoughtfully on a deserted touchline, is Andre Villas-Boas. The two parted ways on Sunday afternoon after Abramovich finally lost patience with a Chelsea side bereft of anything even approaching defensive organization. Replacing AVB is assistant manager Roberto Di Matteo, who will lead the Blues through the end of this season. It’s an appointment that will hardly capture the imagination of the Stamford Bridge crowd, even if it does appease a few rebellious Chelsea players. By the way, stay away from those players, they’ve already hounded out one manager. Don’t be next.

3. Stay Away From Aston Villa- Under Alex McCleish, Aston Villa is achieving the impossible. They are the cliché. Painters (the handyman type) describe the long hours between coats as “like watching Villa play football”. Fans gather at Villa Park not to cheer on their team, but to observe the pitch. They gasp as a breath of wind sends a blade of grass flying, clap as it slowly drifts back to the ground. Attentive supporters have begun to count Stephen Ireland’s tattoos. It keeps them occupied for most of the first half. At 73 and counting a bored young man with an iPhone drops Gabriel Agbonlahor from his fantasy team.

4. Super Mario- Two goals in two games and a heavy fine to boot. It’s been a good couple weeks for Mario Balotelli who, after professing his love for his girlfriend via goal celebration (second only to Twitter as the most popular medium for player to world communication), enjoyed a fun-filled night at a Manchester strip club . Despite breaking curfew, he scored against Bolton the next day and remains one of the most dangerous strikers in the country. One of the perks of being a fantasy manager — as opposed to a real one — is that there is no such thing as man management (a term invented, abused and ludicrously overstated by tactically ignorant British coaches). Buy him.

5. Ashley and Pavel- I finish off with two of the week’s best performers: Ashley Young and Pavel Pogrebnyak. Both players scored on Sunday, with Young netting a brace at White Hart Lane and Pogrebnyak building on a good start to life in English football with a hat trick against Terry Connor’s doomed-looking Wolves. Neither player is particularly expensive (remember, Young plays for Manchester United) and Pogrebnyak has a funny name. Bye!

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

1. Return Of The Pie – Steven Pienaar has returned to form, so it seems appropriate to mention his wonderfully appropriate name. It has got “pie” in it. And there is nothing more beautiful about football than its association with steaming meat-pies. Yum.

More pertinent to fantasy football is Pienaar’s creative talent. Now that he has moved on from substitute bench obscurity at Tottenham, the South African should begin to enjoy some sustained point scoring form.

2. Louis Saha – When he’s not injured, he scores. On Saturday, Louis Saha was emphatically fit, scoring twice in Tottenham’s equally emphatic 5-0 win over Champions League hopefuls Newcastle United. Saha combined well with on-loan Manchester City striker Emmanuel Adebayor, setting-up the Togolese for Spurs’ fifth goal. The Adebayor-Saha strike partnership looks likely to keep Jermain Defoe out of contention for another few games. Or at least until Saha gets injured again.

3. Return Of The Drog – Having lost the Africa Cup of Nations final in tragic fashion, Didier Drogba will return to bolster a misfiring Chelsea front line. Fernando Torres — woeful again on Saturday — is expected to make way. Drogba played quite well at the Cup of Nations (apart from missing the penalty that denied Ivory Coast glory, of course), scoring three times en route to the final. Decent bet for the remainder of the fantasy season? Absolutely.

4. The Handshake – The Fantasy Premier League doesn’t do handshakes. When our teams line-up for a Fantasy Cup tie or walk out onto the Wembley grass for a Head-To-Head league final, they progress coldly; no handshakes, no smiles. The FPL is serious business. If only our “real life” counterparts had known what we know, they might have defused a controversial situation, saving us all another dull week of dull articles about the same dull subject everyone has been writing about for months. More proof that fantasy football is better than the real thing.

5. RvP And Thierry Henry – Robin Van Persie didn’t score this week, which probably means your fantasy team slumped to a low score. However, just a week after his heroics against Blackburn, it would be churlish to complain.

The main story to emerge from Arsenal’s win at Sunderland was Thierry Henry: his last minute winner and his emotional good-bye (which really wasn’t all that magical — Arsenal fans threw him a scarf, he promptly threw it back). But with Henry returning to Major League Soccer next week, Andrey Arshavin (who crossed for the winning goal) provides most of the fantasy intrigue. If there is one thing fantasy football has taught us, it’s that redemption is never impossible.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH.

1. The Fantasy Cup-  For the first time ever, my fantasy football team is on a cup run, beating some poor, helpless bloke to reach the Fantasy Cup eighth round. Just to put that in perspective, I still have to win nine more “matches” before my results are featured for all to view on the front page of the Fantasy Premier League website. Is the Cup distracting me? Yes, probably. I have plummeted down the EPL Talk standings over the last month in a half, focusing instead on designing a team to neutralize my Cup opponents’ best assets. All my eggs are firmly in one basket. Wish me luck.

2. Sunderland’s Steel- If the Premier League had started when Martin O’Neill took over at Sunderland, the Black Cats would sit top of the table. It’s a shame things don’t work like that, though, especially in the Fantasy Premier League where, as we inch towards the season’s closing months, certain managers will make more significant marks on the living room upholstery than on the FPL standings. Anyway, there are a number of Sunderland players worth signing. James McClean’s goal on Saturday was set-up by the ever impressive Stephane Sessegnon, while defenders like Phil Bardsley and John O’Shea have steadily improved as the season has drawn on.

3. Edin Dzeko– After a dry patch in front of goal, Edin Dzeko seems to be edging back to his August form. Since scoring the winner at Wigan last month, Dzeko has found the net twice in all competitions, including a tap in on Saturday. With David Silva orchestrating the midfield, City strikers can only go so long without scoring. Those clichéd floodgates are creaking open.

4. Don’t Sign Paul Robinson– On Saturday morning, Paul Robinson made a single save. Arsenal’s eight shots on target yielded seven goals, and the keeper who sealed a place in fantasy folklore with a goal against Watford in 06/07 plummeted to another disappointing gameweek total. Robinson rests 22nd in the goalkeeping standings, despite having played in all but three of Blackburn’s games this season. Mind you, the high-ups at Rovers probably blame the defensive rot on Ewood Park pariah Christopher Samba.

5. Cisse’s- The January transfer window was a productive period for players called Cisse. Djibril secured an escape from his increasingly embarrassing stint in Serie A, while Papiss sealed a move to maybe-but-probably-not-really top four contender Newcastle United. Both players scored on their respective debuts, but the hotheaded Djibril managed to cancel out his strike with some utter stupidity at home to Wolves.

Naturally, Papiss is the only Cisse worth buying at the moment, but once Djibril completes his ban he could become an interesting option.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH

1. The game is flawed- It’s a point I’ve been meaning to make for a while and one that arose in a comment on last week’s post. In that article I, perhaps harshly, described Modric’s goal against Wolves as the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Given that Modric is probably the most talented creative player in the division, his goalscoring deficiencies shouldn’t be allowed to limit his effectiveness on the fantasy platform. It’s a problem that will prove difficult to combat. Football is not as statistically driven as baseball, so it doesn’t translate properly to a fantasy format. Performance points are the only subjective part of the scoring process and, understandably, they are limited to three per player. Increasing that value, though, would make the likes of Luka Modric more important in the virtual game. And harder to tease.

2. Clint Dempsey- One of the funny things about football fans in the United States is their lack of respect for Clint Dempsey. He is indisputably Major League Soccer’s best ever export – he’s scored more goals than any other American in the Premier League, and is widely regarded in England as one of the division’s top attacking midfielders – but American supporters are more attached to the infinitely less ambitious Landon Donovan, who has opened his second stint at Everton quite anonymously.

Only three midfielders have earned more fantasy points than Clint Dempsey this season, and all of them play for clubs in the top four. Dempsey doesn’t take-up quota space – how many other Fulham players is anyone interested in? – and consistently reaches ten goals.

3. Give Keane A Home- Robbie Keane has played for a fair few teams over the years, so don’t expect him to notice if you sign him. The LA Galaxy forward scored two sumptuous goals for Aston Villa at the weekend (not that their quality really matters – see next point) and will struggle to be consistently outperformed by Darren Bent. Keane is priced at 5 million – 0.3 million cheaper than Emile Heskey, who is probably fantasy football’s least desirable player.

(Heskey, though, has played decently for England over the years, and has longer legs than Jermain Defoe…)

4. Just an idea…- I mentioned in the first point that football is too qualitative to be accurately represented in a fantasy game. How, then, would a Qualitative Fantasy Premier League work? Extra points for brilliant goals or outrageous celebrations? Maybe Mario Balotelli should be rewarded for his dart throwing-firework setting-college bathroom using-women’s prison visiting-bully bashing antics. Perhaps we could create a fantasy game based purely on satire. Just a thought. Hmmm… I know Luka Modric would prefer it. How about you?

(On a more realistic level, maybe statistics like “passes completed” should earn points. Feel free to comment with any ideas.)

5. Tim Cahill is back- A few seasons ago Tim Cahill was a set piece menace, a corner flag boxer and Everton’s best player. Now he’s just a very relieved Aussie. Cahill’s tap in against Blackburn was his first goal in over a year, a humbling statistic for a man whose name is still synonymous with incessant energy and derby day heroics. Like so many talented players before him, though, Cahill could be on the verge of triumphant comeback. His goal on Saturday may have lacked sparkle, but in its genesis was a positive sign. That Cahill was hovering around the six yard box, in position to sweep home from close range, shows that he still possesses the senses of old. Unfortunately, his price has hardly dropped. At 8.5 million, Cahill is a risk.

Read more by David Yaffe-Bellany at In For The Hat Trick and follow him on Twitter @INFTH